patron saint of perpetual dynamite

davies

2012-02-02T14:21:00.001-05:00

right now my dad is in open heart surgery. it's disturbing to think that he's currently cut open and undergoing a very invasive proceedure. in any other scenario blood, flesh and metal instruments would be a bad combination. all this said, i'm focusing on that this is pain with purpose. not that he's in pain but you know what i mean....

joy dropped him off this morning and she said he was feeling very peaceful about it. tim, since he works at the hospital, went up to meet the surgeons etc, and headed back down to his wing when they took him in to get changed. i'm thankful the last month and a half have been a relatively smooth process, and i'm looking forward to later tonight when he's in recovery. i suspect he'll be out around 4 or before. it's a 3 to 4 hour operation.

don't you let your red heart go cold.

wire

2012-02-01T15:19:00.001-05:00

i just found some green paint in my hair. this surprised me since i thought all the paint was finally gone. while we're on the topic of hair... i'm getting an influx of grey hairs. many of which are not completely grey, just grey at the tips. it's very peculiar. b has no grey hairs. and before you get all like "well he is 23..." i had grey hairs as early as 16. it makes me wonder at what pace my pigment is disappearing and what it will look like in 5 or 10 years.

well... my dad's surgery was rescheduled again and he's currently on deck for tomorrow. i feel pretty hopeful that it will go thru because usually by now it would cancelled. i'll be glad when it's behind him and is starting his recovery.

lately i've been playing a lot of tetris. it's a really great way to pass the time when i'm waiting for something and i really enjoy the challenge of it. i've often compared packing a car with luggage to tetris and find it very satisfying to cram stuff in the trunk. as teenagers melinda and i used to play super mario bros while listening to radiohead. similarly i've been turning down the volume and listening to itunes or cbc radio3. it's really quite a fun leisurely activity. brendan comes watches me play. he's pretty impressed by my skills and i think it makes him like me even more :p

the kitchen chalkboard is finished and it really completes the room. it looks fantastic! man i love our house. i really hope we'll be able to live there a long time. i feel that the looming possibility of there not being space for babies hangs over me and is diminishing my sense of home. it's like i don't want to make roots there if we have to move unexpectedly. it will still be several years before lorimerettes enter the world but it's still bothering me. i guess that's because we fit so perfectly in the exile right now. but we're both committed to keeping things as simple as possible and striving to manage in a small space. in a way, i think our limitations will help us achieve that.

i'm a real cheapsake. b says that's partly why he married me.

if i'm more then it means less.

groceries

2012-01-30T10:26:00.001-05:00

visitors came and went from our new home on saturday. popping in or staying for a lengthy visit. we gave each a short tour and ate snacks. it was fun. about 25-28 people stopped by in a fairly steady stream. we really enjoyed warming our house with the presence of friends and family.

yesterday i started making a chalkboard on the side of the kitchen cupboard. it was quite messy and chalkboard paint doesn't wash of skin as easily as other acrylic paints. i'm going to pick up some chalk on the way home from work and i plan to add a white trim to finish it off nicely. right now it looks weird having a black spot on the cupboard but i think it will look awesome when it's finished and it will be very handy.

i love the challenge of maximizing out space at the exile. jase commented the other day that there's no wasted space and that's very true. i hope to continue to master my use of space and be creative in my problem solving. i don't even notice anymore that it's just little. i found a great website the other night, apartment therapy, which is extremely clever. most times when i do a web search about how to live in a small space i get these websites with massive rooms and oodles of floorspace. so this site actually fits my concept of small space and provides really creative solutions. not everything they feature is small, but everything is inventive and inspiring. i think i'll become a regular there :)

if there's an order in all of this disorder,
is it like a tape recorder

can we rewind it just once more?

credenzas

2012-01-26T22:50:00.001-05:00

at book club we all measured the circumference of our heads.

then i came home and played nintendo while listening to canadian indie music.

another satisfying day indeed.

the winter makes you laugh a little slower.

locked

2012-01-25T16:40:00.001-05:00

it occured to me last evening (or was it today) that i may be starting to experience some seasonal affective disorder. i know it's plagued me in the past, and since i only just remembered to start taking my vitamin d, i can see that it may be kicking in. it is the end of jauary after all. i looked it up on wikipedia today and concluded that based on the symptoms listed i'm probably on the more mild-side at this time, but still something to be aware of. it said that outdoor exercise is important, so i'm going to take advantage of the clear sidewalks this evening and walk down to the grocery store. i think this is up my alley since it feels like a long time since i've enjoyed some outdoor walking under the cover of dark by myself. i always dig having that time alone with my thoughts and a good song on my ipod. i suspect this will do my heart well.

to combat it i've also been taking care to make sure i'm dressed warmly and comfortably. wearing too-tight or chilly clothes would make me miserable. unfortunately, i've been a little overheated in the feet today, but i'd gladly take that over being cold.

on friday brendan's classmates are having a get together at boston pizza. he's quite intrigued since he's never been to BP before. he told me yesterday that i'm not obligated to go, but welcome to join him. i told him that i'd go since i'm sure his classmates are curious to meet me and i'm certain they'd all wonder why brendan's wife didn't show up. you have to keep in mind, he's the only guy in his class (last semester there were 2), so he's something of a novelty. anyways, he responded with "ya, they probably would" (wonder that is). this made me giggle a little bit - i know what girls are like. no doubt they're extra curious knowing that i'm much older than him. one of his classmates told him that she was creeping him on facebook and was struck by how in love he and his wife seemed. she thought it was very sweet. we thought that was quite a nice observation.

honey has been on a hunger strike again. she's shrunk to have the size of pekoe. she's tiny! i hate it when this happens. when she's really healthy she's just about as big as koe-koe and her fur is all shiny. i hope she rebounds soon.

this morning as i left for work i opened the door just as jase walked past. i greeted him with a "hi jase, good morning to ya". it made me feel all chipper and neighbourly. there's just something that feels right about living among friends and knowing neighbours. i hope we get to know our neighbours soon. it's hard in the winter time, but hopefully come spring we'll be able to chat them up.

i'm still living at the old address.

mudder

2012-01-24T14:38:00.001-05:00

i forgot to let people know that my dad's surgery was bumped back by a week. i got several very thoughtful notes yesterday asking how he is. another patient needed emergency surgery so he's now scheduled for next monday barring any other emergencies or him catching a cold/stomach bug.

did you know that there's a difference between a rabbit and a hare? i totally thought they were the same thing, but it turns out they're not. it doesn't even seem like their related species only very similar. they can't even be cross bred like a horse and a donkey can or a lion and a tiger. hm!

today i saw the word instigate and totally thought it was a typo. how strange! i actually really like the word instigate, but until now i don't think i've ever seen it in writing before. it was like this weird foreign stranger to me in print.

man, there's so many things that i don't know. hares and instigate...

i don't know if it's possible to get colds and sore throats from stress or busyness, but i think that's what i had. taking yesterday to rest has made me feel 100% better, except my back muscles are a little sore. i need to learn to take care of myself better.

i may be coming down with the winter time blues. i'm starting to feel a little bit of that separation anxiety i was feeling this time last year. and in hindsight, i think i experienced it this time two years ago too. not just separation anxiety from b, but i feel a constant desire to be home or among safe people. maybe it's simply a hibernating instinct or something. i would beeline home this instant if i could. i think there's just something about winter that makes one want to be warm and curled up on a couch in cozy clothes.

man, i could go for a cinnamon heart right now. i think that's a winter thing too.

we will take to the halls in the city.

squad

2012-01-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

with brendan going out to a concert while i worked on my sermon on saturday night, and me being at home sick with a cold today, i ended up getting a lot of alone time at the exile. it eventually lost the weird feeling and now i feel that much more at home in our home.

the den is looking fabulous. i'm very pleased.

i've had this cold creeping up on me for days. it keeps holding on – not turning into a full-fledged cold and not going away either. my sinuses have been plugged and my throat sore. so i decided to stay at home today to rest in hopes regained energy pushing this cold out of my system. i think it worked like a charm because i'm feeling much better now.

fashionable people doing questionable things.

glue

2012-01-20T16:36:00.001-05:00

it's occured to me that in the month that we've lived at the exile i've been alone in it for approximately a collective 1 to 2 hours. this is very strange for me. when i'm alone there it feels different. i feel so unaquainted with it. but when brendan comes home it feels normal and familiar again. i kind of don't like that. it feels like those friendships when you have this really tight circle of friendship with two other people, but then one day the one friend isn't there and it's just you and the other person and things feel awkward and you don't know what to say. that's how i feel with my house. i love it. i really totally do. but i think i need to have some one-on-one time. we need alone time to bond. and you know, i suspect after getting past the initial shyness we'd probably hit our stride and everything would be great and familiar again. i just never get alone time there so i don't know how that would happen.

tomorrow i'm painting the den. it's going to be this cold purple colour. one could even go so far as to call it a gray-purple. it's very new for me to go that direction so i'm curious about how it will turn out. and if i'll have enough paint. it's about the same size as the bedroom (if you omit the wall with the closet) and that only took two coats and used half the can. i'm hoping 3 coats will be enough. fingers crossed! brendan is not thrilled because the den is a pretty well used room and it means 1) being kicked out of it for 24 hours and 2) it means packing stuff up and 3) it means the rest of the house will be in chaos while all it's contents are elsewhere.

i've been listening to the brothers karamazov in audio format. i'm looking forward to painting while listening to it again. i'm really enjoying it. it's a pretty amazing story, very challenging.

i had two meaningful conversations with family members this week. i left feeling like i was able to be my true self in those discussions more than any other time. i felt like i do when i talk to you. i was able to escape the lesley i turn into in their presence and just be me. that was a big step forward.

here is the truth, i swear it used to be fun.

amateur

2012-01-19T09:17:00.001-05:00

growing up i lived beneath her shadow. being young i didn't know there was any other way. as i emerged into adulthood i became resentful of it and i wanted to get as far away from it as possible. i feel i've lived my entire adult life trying to fight it, but you can't fight a shadow and it's never going away.

i don't want to be controlled or dominated by it anymore, but i realize there's no sense if pointing fingers or demanding that she take her shadow someplace else. to be near her is to have it touch me. it's part of who she is. so either i can go down fighting then be cast away and charged with mutiny. or i can accept the fact that i will forever haunted by this shadow and put my energies into different approaches. i want to dance my way around her shade. i can get close to it without it encompassing me. i'm not a helpless child anymore, nor am i an angry teenager. the challenge with shadow casters is that they like to spread it around. they can't imagine existing without consuming everything and everyone, so they cast their shadows like fishermen cast their nets. hoping to pull everything into their grasp. while that's their perception, that's not reality. everything cannot belong to them. to bring peace i must simultaneously let her think that she can draw me in while at the same time dancing just outside. i need to make my place on the edge where i can still feel the sun on my face.

if i want things to be different then i need to be different. i've tried running, i've tried fighting, i've tried resisting. i guess the only thing i've never tried, never thought to try, is to let my own shadow be seen - known, recognized, acknowledge. this isn't the easiest approach, but i suspect it's the only one that will create changed in our dynamics.

you may be workin' in a barbershop,
you may know how to cut hair.

brock

2012-01-17T22:05:00.001-05:00

my dad is going for triple bypass surgery on monday. i joined him today for an information session where they told a group of people undergoing the surgery what they need to know for the day of the surgery and the 6 to 8 week recovery. my dad is handling all this very well and taking it in stride. he's a remarkably resilient person. i was glad that emma gave me the time off to go to the session with him. she was very supportive and said that's most important right now.

oddly enough the acronym for the procedure is "cabbage". he's having cabbage surgery. isn't that the strangest things you've heard?? weird, and yet amusing.

during the session my dad and i passed notes just like when i was little during church services. had he begun a game of tick-tack-toe it would've felt like 1988 again.

i'm hopeful that the recovery weeks will go faster than we can imagine and that it will be a positive experience for my family. one where we pull together instead of being overcome by stress and frustration. it could go either way really. but i'm going to work really hard to make this an experience we can look back on as a hurdle overcome with grace and peace.

won't you change this feeling under my feet.

open book

2012-01-16T15:52:00.001-05:00

it seems that winter has finally arrived. at least it's pretty.

this weekend i painted our living room. it's this zesty and fresh green colour. i'm very pleased. it's our favourite colour so far. now i only have one more to do - the den. which will actually the be most complicated and inconvient of all the rooms i've done so far. the kitchen was a close second. but after that i'm finished.

b and i had a lengthy discussion the other day about several upcoming expenses we'll be facing in the coming months. in reflection, i knew i couldn't in my right mind insist that we take a trip to greece and turkey this year. it wouldn't make good fiscal sense in 2012. so we made the decision to put off that trip to next spring (because tickets are cheaper in may than in august), and instead take a backpacking trip to costa rica this summer. i'm pretty excited about this and feel glad that we're making a smart change to our plans. i got an email from beck telling me a bunch of stuff she did when she was there with her students. this will be great, and quite a change for us since our last 2 trips have been rich with history and this will be a very scenic trip with outside adventuring.

i like that i can see an island from my cubicle. an actual island. not a figurative one.

last night i found an old winter nighty that i had when i was a tween and decided to wear it to bed. brendan was quite puzzled by it as i brushed my teeth and commented "i didn't know you had this number" then pointed out that it said cuddles on it. the sleeves are a little too short, and it surprisingly goes up to my mid-shin - this surprises me because i remember having to cut it so i wouldn't trip over it. apparently i've grown. anyways, i slept so comfortably last night. it was amazing. i'm glad i didn't throw it out over a decade ago...

there's no glitter in the gutter.

malicious splashing

2012-01-12T11:47:00.001-05:00

i've been working on a hat from the happy hooker book for 4 days. i should've been able to complete it in night, but i've ripped it out twice :S the first time was because i didn't like the colours. the second i was almost finished when it became too apparent to ignore that the hat was far to big for me. the instructions were for only one size - which is really annoying because not all of use have a 23" circumference head! anyways, i think i've got it properly fixed now and i'll just continue like this for the rest of the pattern. i hope i can finish it soon, because that's so satisfying, but i hope it fits and i like the end product!

every year i like to set a doable new year resolution. they're not really normal resolutions, they're more like decisions that i've made and begin implimenting them around new year. anyways, with the purchase of a new house, i made the intentional decision for 2012 that i would be hospitable and welcoming when people drop by unexpectedly. and so far things are going well. mark and melissa dropped by last night and it was great. i'm so glad that our house is accessible and that people are stopping by to say hello.

i haven't been very productive in the evenings lately. i just want to crochet which means that the bedroom is in chaos after painting and i haven't continued unpacking the last of our things. that said, a lot is unpacked, there's just a few things i'd like to finish up. no doubt i'll soon grow tired of doing nothing but sitting and crochetting, then i'll start being productive again. i'm looking forward to that, but am in no great rush either.

man, i love our house. i like it c'oz it's compact. the old place was oddly laid out. everything is close together and yet roomy. the wood floors are lovely. and i really enjoy the use of space. i'm really thankful.

beating like a hammer.

taxes

2012-01-10T21:58:00.001-05:00

i went to bed at 10:44 last night. about an hour later i woke, feeling quite well rested and when i saw it was only 11:47 i was happy that i still had many hours of sleep left. for some reason i said aloud "i'm so glad it's saturday". brendan told me "it's not, it's tuesday". this both confused and upset me. i thought he was joking and i didn't appreciate it. it took some time to get my head around what he was saying, then i fell back asleep.

my chia herb garden is GROWING! i have sprouts :D

we're so close to something better left unknown.

count

2012-01-09T14:07:00.001-05:00

on saturday i painted our bedroom. the most tedious part of painting, and coincidentally my least favourite part, is the taping. i hate taping. it's boring and it doesn't produce the same almost instantaeous results as actual painting does. but it's pretty crucial. it's a key part of the process. unless you're my mom and you can cut in without taping (it's pretty impressive. i've never seen that woman tape before painting in my life and we've painted many a room together). i'm certain in may cases taping takes longer than painting. although, my complaining about it is pointless because i will continue to do it.

the room is now a warm and happy yellow. i was grateful that the room is small and the paint is light enough that it didn't reaquire more than two coates, so it didn't take long. just a couple hours. it's a lot more vibrant than i had planned, but i didn't want it to turn out looking beige if it wasn't yellow enough. so far i've painted 3 rooms and they're all incredibly vibrant. they're kind of unrelenting when i look from one room to the next inspecting my progress. but in reality, i don't think i'd want it any other way. once the paint is up and some time has passed i never remember that it wasn't the colour i intended in the first place. only 2 more rooms to go! since brendan owns so few clothes he wasn't able to help me because he doesn't have painting clothes. it's ok though, i don't mind really.

while i was painting i was listening to various shows on the cbc. there was one show, and i don't even remember what it was, where the woman being interviewed was asked if her fears were more physical or emotional. in hindsight, i didn't really understand the question at first. she talked openly and honestly, sharing how when she was younger she was physically brave but emotionally fearful, but now she's more emotionally couragous but physically fearful. how intriguing.

i'm speeding along with my knitting, er i mean crochetting. i finished my corset belt in a matter of days. i like it better than the original in the book. i used ribbon instead of crochetted ties and think it looks lovely. i'm currently working on a hat. i'm not super keen on the colours i'm using, but that's all i had. i think i'll try to start picking up inexpensive yarn when it's on sale so i have more full balls kicking around for when i feel like starting a new project without having to go buy some yarn first.

i'm struggling with my sermon a little bit. i have the content and details kind of set up in my head, but i don't know how to piece it together into paragraphs that make sense. i might just start in the middle and hope that i become inspired as i go.

hard to be soft...
tough to be tender.

dremel

2012-01-06T15:22:00.001-05:00

shanno gave me a copy of the happy hooker for my birthday. i like almost every pattern in that book - some more than others, but for the most part i like everything. i was finding it difficult deciding on what to make so i declared to bren when she was over for tea on wednesday "i think i'm going to make everything in this book!" i felt that would eliminate the need to decide. that said, when i looked more closely and realized there are 40 patterns, i knew i'd bitten off more than i can chew. BUT i haven't set a deadline for myself, so i have plenty of time. i've started with the corset belt. it was tricky at first because i didn't know how to do some of the stitches but i watched a video online and figured it out instantly. i'm pleased because i bought some ribbon for 1 dollar that i'm going to use for the ties instead of crochetting ties. i think that will look nicer. except, i'm not certain about the colour of ribbon, i didn't have a lot of selection. but i'm hopeful that it will turn out looking awesome. the main problem i have is what to wear a corset belt with! it's the kind of thing that could turn out being great or turn out looking weird.

yesterday i was freezing cold at work. it seems that the office is cold all year long. i'm constantly chilly. so today i wore lots of layers and my alpacha sweater from peru. i usually find wool too itchy to wear except for when i'm cold. i think i need more sweaters, but finding a place to store them is always tricky.

sometimes marilyn and i are sent treats from suppliers or colleagues to thank us for our support throughout the year. all different kinds depending on who sent them. one time we were even given an apple crumble pie! i've also been sent gifts from asia - t-shirts, silk scarves, change purses. the two of us are very good at making the fore-mentioned treats last a long time. we take a great deal of delight in having one a day.

i've become aware of fibre in recent days. since learning that my dad has a bad case of heart disease i did some research on prevention and learned how important a high fibre diet is. it's tricky. i definitely don't get enough fibre neither does brendan (and as a male he needs 50% more than me).

we got our rent from fang yesterday. awesome! it's good to know that our tenants will pay their rent. i worried so much about that back in december and all for nothing!

it looks as though i'm preaching again on january 22. it's been quite a while. i don't think i've preached since the summer. i hope it goes well. i really enjoy preparing and i don't mind delivery, but it's definitely the most awkward part. plus there's no do-over if i screw up, but so far my past experience has all been positive.

i feel you most when i'm alone.

hazel

2012-01-05T12:51:00.001-05:00

the cbc aired an interesting piece the other day about mirrors. there was one perspective that places blame on mirrors for an image obsessed culture, and as a result a youth obsessed society. then there was also some discussion about how we related to ourselves in the mirror. that part was very interesting to me. they interviewed a woman who gave up mirrors and all types of self-reflection (windows, etc) for a year. within the first month she became extremely lonely. she felt alienated because everyone else had a face and she didn't. not long after that she remembered that she had a shadow and became obsessed with finding her shadow when she was outdoors - keeping tabs on it as she walked down the sidewalk. this realization brought great comfort to her. the radio folks talked about how we relate to our mirrored reflection as though they are ourselves or another being, when actually they're just molecules of light on silver paint. this got me thinking about my own reflection. i relate to myself in the mirror in a way i find very comforting. i definitely feel more connected to my mirrored self than to, say... a photograph. it's like having this comrade wherever i go. someone to giggle with me, or cry with me, or give understanding looks to. just yesterday i was giggling with myself in the mirror with great satisfaction and knew that no one else in the world would participate in my giddiness with the same enthusiasm as my pal in the mirror does.

i got a chia gourmet herb garden for christmas. i'm super excited about this because i really like fresh herbs (especially cilantro) and it's something i miss about summer time. i've never had particularly great success with my balcony herb garden, but i think that's because they didn't receive direct sunlight and because they were not grown from seed. anyways, i "planted" my seeds yesterday. i use quotes because technically i just sprinkled the seeds on the surface as directed. the chia herb garden doesn't actually use soil, but instead it uses this patented sponge. i'm guessing that the roots will grow into the holes. i don't know about nutrients though, because i thought that was an important part of soil, but i trust this is not just some regular sponge. i know that chia is known for swiftness, but this morning when i looked at my seeds they are already sprouting roots!! yay! the instructions said to cover the pots with plastic wrap to help create a greenhouse affect. i plan to install a shelf in the kitchen window to house them on. yesterday i installed some plastic window insulation to elimate the draft that could potentially kill my tender herbs.

stay with the all unknown.

pinenuts

2012-01-04T09:57:00.001-05:00

i really wanted to write yesterday, but then the day was done before i got the chance :S

i got a new daytimer at work (aka a planner - oddly enough i can't remember what i usually call it). i've got a pretty set routine with my planner (ah, that felt natural. apparently i call it a planner). i've been using the same one for the last 9 years, and i like my routine. i've refined it nicely and it works well for me. my planning and organizational needs are being met with that format. SO, you can just imagine my surprise when my new planner arrived yesterday in a COMPLETELY different format. i was really thrown, and i even said to the woman "there must be some mistake. mine should look like this..." (holding up my 2011 planner). but no, there's no mistake. the manufacturer has changed it up a bit. as i set to work, initiating my planner with phone numbers, dates, owner information, i felt rather stunned! i'm easing into things slowly.

from a completely objective point of view it's a nice planner - functional (comes with attachable tabs for the different months), attractive (green ink instead of the typical blue), there's more writing space, and there's a different leaf graphic on each page along with a tip for how to be more environtally friendly (and so far i like those!). all this said, if i was in staples and saw this nice, more modern planner, beside my usual planner i would have gone for my regular one 100 times out of 100. my main concern (albeit small, but still nagging) is that i'll grow accustomed to this new format, like it better, only to find my old format arrive next year - this has happened before (the difference was slightly smaller - there were more notes boxes on the page than in the regular format. other than that everything was exactly the same). i don't adjust well. clearly.

i think small things hardest to adjust to - the things that i usually don't need to think about. it's been an easy transition living at the exile, and yet i can't for the life of me remember to drive to main street instead of york street on my way home from work. i always turn onto nelson street by accident. planners are just small detail stuff, i don't like them to interfere with my day. if i've found something that works, why change it? it'll only trip me up. anyways, i'll adjust. i might do it begrudgingly at first, but adjusting against my will is usually easier than doing it by choice. at least i can't kick myself for the unnecessary change.

my mom asked for a new plant for christmas. she wanted to replace her spider plant that has become challenging to maintain. so i ceased the opportunity to ask her what her plans were with the old plant and she said i could have it. yay! it's a nice big spider plant. in 2012 i resolve to not kill this plant. she gave me some instructions including replanting it in a bigger pot. i should have one big enough, one of my pots from my balcony garden days. i hope the transplant goes well and that our cats don't slowly eat it. fingers crossed!

my regrets are few.

singer

2012-01-02T22:13:00.001-05:00

2012 started off well. aside from us bring in the new year with the erbs (a new tradition – as it was the second time), we managed to track down our tenant (his name is fang) and give him his 120 notice to vacate. it went well actually. he seemed rather unfazed by it, and seemed more concerned that we might be raising his rent. we're not, so i think this arrangement will suit all parties nicely. he's paying his rent in cash tomorrow – weird, but whatever. i'm just happy to be collecting it. yay!

i'm feeling pretty stocked about 2012. it's full of potential. i realize all years start with potential, but there's something about this year that seems to hold a lot that i'm looking forward to. perhaps more than other years.

1. we've decided to take a road trip to the rock and roll hall of fame. it'll take just shy of 8 hours to get there. i'm super excited and have been looking up places to eat and sleep while we're there. i'm hoping we'll go over the family day weekend.

2. my computer is eight years old, and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll be able to buy a newer one with my tax return money this spring.

3. brendan and i have been watching the HBO show 'Treme' – it's about new orleans post hurricane katrina. it's a bit slow going, and it took me some time to get into it, but i find that i'm quite compelled to watch it. anyways, it's got me thinking a lot about ani difranco because she lives there now, and i've been thinking about how i'd really like to see her live again. plus, i'd really like for brendan to see her too, because my re-telling last time just didn't do her justice. anyways, i've found that she's coming to toronto in april, so i'm hoping to get tickets to that show.

4. in may, we begin renovations to our upstairs rental unit. it's just aesthetics, so nothing major. i'm going to take a week off for that. i hope it's fun and invigorating. it's not my typical use of vacation days, so i hope it's still restful. i'll also plant my first proper garden at the exile :D

5. andrew and shannon will move in in june! and i think the four of us are going to go to ottawa for canada day.

6. in august, b and i hope to take a trip to greece and turkey.

after that i have nothing in particular that i'm looking forward to. but that's not bad, i've got the first 3/4 of the year taken care of. should be good! like i said, i'm pretty psyched!

i know that it's true
it's gonna be a good year.

hugger

2011-12-31T20:41:00.001-05:00

2011. 2011. without any great forethought, i'd have to say it wasn't the year i expected. i don't know what i expected, it just felt fuller. it was a great year with many significant highlights, but still something of a curve ball. surprisingly, the two greatest curve balls are also the two things that book-end 2011. almost right after new year, it may have been january 2, we started talking about the idea of brendan going back to school. at this point it seems so crazy to think there was a time when he wasn't pursuing social services, but indeed there was a period of consideration and discussion. as part of that decision he also took a job at startek and began working full time so he could save for his tuition. this was a major shift for us, but one that we adjusted to fairly well. the other book-end curve ball (wow, i'm mixing metaphors), was obviously our house. we've lived here for 2 weeks and are enjoying it a great deal. it's an adjustment, but i feel so positive about this move. i have no doubts that it was a good decision and a wise step.

january did not gently ease my next church community into the new year, but instead took the baby of some important friends during the 6th month of pregnancy. it felt like everyone i knew at that time was impacted by that experience. it weighed heavily on all of us, but was a great opportunity to pull together with great love. as always, the beat goes on and brendan started his new job and i started finally making progress with losing weight. i was working out with regularity and keeping close tabs on my food consumption. i'd made a new year's resolution to start cutting my portions in half, because i'd discovered that my instincts with food were disproportionate with how much i needed. oh, and we bought brendan's little netbook. it was supposed to be ours, but it's turned out to be mostly his. that's ok, he's pretty good at sharing.

february marked the end of my time on the board at next. with 3 years under my belt i was tired and really ready for a change. at work i continued to take on more responsibility and have enjoyed the challenge. it makes the day go faster when i'm busy all day. i started as editor of the internal newsletter, which turned out to be right up my alley. it was fun and engaging, and i was very surprised at how satisfying i found it. over the family day weekend brendan and i went to visit beckie in quebec city. it was cold, but very fun. 6-hour road-trips are surprisingly enjoyable when you're with your best bud. that was our second long trip together (having gone to north bay in 2010), and we've found it's quite doable. it was brendan's first time meeting beckie's dogs and they really won him over quickly :)

march brought the good word that brendan had official been accepted to college. meanwhile, i underwent a number of medical tests, which were part of a long on-going search to identify the cause of some semi-chronic pain i'd been experiencing. it was a stressful time for me, and unfortunately paired with the mysterious pain, but thankfully i tried to keep everything in perspective and in the end was cleared of anything serious and given some helpful tips. the main highlight of march was our trip to ireland. we spent 10 days in both the republic and the north, backpacking around and visiting with rachel and eric in dublin. we enjoyed the sites, the relaxed pace of holidays, pints of guinness and cadbury's chocolate. while we were there brendan lost his wedding ring (left it in a hostel shower), but thankfully he got it back after we went back to derry to retrieve it.

april was rather uneventful, although a tense time, with the election on the way. lots of opinions floating around on facebook and i recall a sense of division that i've never encountered before. i'm filled with alarm at the thought of this being the new status quo – division, silos, opinions. it's disheartening. but in more exciting news... although we learned this before april, we were thrilled with the news of a new niece on the way. ben and meg were expecting their first baby and we couldn't have been happier for them.

may brought an opportunity for me to begin a writing correspondence course. i love writing, and it comes naturally to me, but this was the first time since high school that i got to write with the purpose of improving and learning. i really enjoyed it and was delighted that i excelled in the course. without knowing it, i planted my last balcony garden at the maxipad. the plants all died halfway thru the season as usual, but i did enjoy that balcony. i may have especially enjoyed it this year. also in may, shanno and i got to attend a social justice conference at the sally ann.

june was a good excuse to purge myself of a lot of excess stuff via spring cleaning. with brendan and my work schedule's not lining up, i had a lot of time on weekends to get organized. as b was starting to look ahead to starting school in the fall, his work announced that it was closing all all the employees at his site would be layed off come september. the timing of that could not have worked out better for him since he was planning on leaving then anyways, and if they'd closed a few months sooner he wouldn't have had enough time to save up for both years of college tuition. phew! to celebrate our first wedding anniversary we took off to a B&B in westport and had a great mini-break there. when we returned to k-town we had our collective family over for ice cream cake. very fun :D

july was filled with strawberry picking, road trips with friends, summer weddings, new bicycle baskets, sandwiches, classic books, sweater knitting, summer walks, gelato, humidity, bonfires with smores, swimming at leo lafleur, the splashpad, heat exhaustion, spray painting, and i got 4 stitches in my second smallest toe after an incident involving a glass pitcher and a carton of sherbet.

august allowed for a visit up to beckie's cottage. shanno, rach and i threw joanne a victorian-themed bridal shower, and i organized a group of knitters/crochetters to make jo blanket to take with her when she moved. mid-august brendan quit his job as planned, and we took off camping at bon echo for a week. it was our first time camping for that long and we had a great time. we found it was the perfect introverted paradise since no one else was around. we played board games, read books, ate great food and enjoyed marshmellow roasting every night. we lived thru one massive thunderstorm and realized afterwards that it was probably quite unsafe :p at the end of our trip, our wee niece audrey was born to ben and meg, so we packed up and went straight to the hospital to meet her. to conclude the summer months, b got his wisdom teeth extracted. it was a rather sour experience for him, but (in it's own way) a rite of passage. oh! and i mustn't forget that this year, for the first time, shanno, brendan and i were vendors at the wolfe island music festival selling la tienda merchandise.

september introduced a lot of change for us lorimers, as brendan entered school. he was one of two guys in a class with 30+ women. it became immediately clear that the only thing brendan needed to do to succeed at school was to be himself – since he's already passionate about social justice and serving marginalized people. by the end of the semester he had straight A's :D we spent a weekend camping with next at echo lake. the nights were cold but hanging out all together was a treat, and i missed the company other ladies when i returned home and had no one to chat with while i knitted.

october surprised us with an accepted offer on a house. the whole enterprise – from casually looking and a firm deal – took 2 to 3 weeks. we signed the paper work making it official on brendan's birthday. i'd planned a special birthday adventure for him, and buying a house was not something i'd originally scheduled for that day. two days later i took off for san diego on business and was there for about six days. that was fun. it was a great learning experience from a career perspective and i enjoyed the change of scenery from my cubicle.

november ushered in a new age – the age of crochet. i've tried in the past and failed, so i am very pleased that not only have i mastered a new skill, but i've also opened myself up to loads of new hand-crafting options :D as we prepared to move i created some fabric art for the walls. they turned out really great, and i had a really fun time doing it. shanno and i took our annual trip to the casino where we each spent 5 bux and drank free caffeinated beverages (well i did, i think shanno drank coffee cream).

december was like a changing of the guards – only the guards didn't changed but instead the guard house. we left the home i'd enjoyed for over 5 years and moved into a home that belongs to us. our own make-believe bungalow that suits us perfectly. moving day went remarkably well and happened to coincide with my birthday (seems suitable since we purchased it on brendan's birthday). it was quite convenient since i got to see my family and friends all at the same time anyways. that month, brendan also got his full G driver's license which yet another milestone ;)

anyways, that's it. it was a good year – a full and significant. a red letter year for sure. it feels like we're on a roll!

this is a happy end
come and give me your hand
i'll take you far away.

dwell

2011-12-31T00:22:00.001-05:00

we just got home from a wedding reception in westport. i've been feeling extremely full of food for the last 2+ hours. it was fun though. about 3/4 of the way thru i started to feel tired and droopy, but then picked up a little bit again. the drive home was decent considering the freezing rain.

a couple weeks ago i had this sweeping notion that i needed to get a good quality coat for winter, specifically a feather down coat. the problem is that i'm quite a thrifty person and it's not within my ability to spend on one item the amount of money that a down jacket costs. but i went to trailhead to do some looking. i selected a brand (lolë) that i really liked and determined what size was best. then i came home and looked online and found one online for less than half the price, so i bought it with my birthday/christmas money :D it arrived in the mail today. i'm super pleased. it's so warm and not bulky. i'm super pleased. hooray!

it's hard to believe it's nearly 2012. i like setting new year resolutions, but i haven't had much time to think on it for the coming year. i hope i come up with something. i guess that my hope for 2012 is that i learn to make good use of space in our new home. but that's less of a new year resolution but rather a new house. i dunno, i find it helpful having a direction, even a small direction, to move in.

it feels weird being without a knitting or crocheting project. shanno gave me the happy hooker book for my birthday. i hope to get started on one of those patterns soon. plus, rach gave me a beautiful crochet hook. i didn't even know such a thing existed!

anyways, it's off to bed for me!

behind every tree
is a cutting machine
and a kite fallen from grace.

jigsaw

2011-12-27T18:35:00.002-05:00

i have fully been enjoying my christmas holidays.

the last two days have been filled with painting, nintendo playing and a trip to the movies.

i've finished the bathroom and have applied 3 coats to the kitchen. the kitchen is a burnt red (actually it was supposed to be, it's turning out to be a robin red, but b likes it, he said this is how he imagined it) so it takes a lot of coats and there's plenty of paint left, so i suspect i'll probably do another 2 for a total of 5. i'm enjoying it. it's funny how the days feel much more restful than a work day even though i'm not actually resting.

we had a lovely christmas. went to nancy and gerry's place on christmas eve, ate treats, played 'sorry', watched a movie, and slept over. then we headed over to joy's place around 11 to open gifts (the kids did incredibly well waiting til then), and we opened presents for the next 2 hours. very fun. the kids were particularly in good spirits and we enjoyed them a lot.

i can't find out camera. i can't even remember where it was in the maxipad, which makes it even harder to find in the exile. i thought i'd kept it handy, but it turns out that was the flip camcorder. remember how i was making nana a blanket? well here it is!! i'm very pleased with how it turned out :D and she really liked it too!!

i need my 1987 DG-20 casio electric guitar.

fang

2011-12-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

the office closed down at 1 today for the holidays, so i got to come home early. which meant i had enough time and energy to get a low done around the homestead. and i must say.... i'm so very pleased! now that we've got our bedroom set up properly and the living room is taking shape i keep thinking WE LIVE IN A REALLY AWESOME HOUSE!!! way cool :)

i can't find the camera so i can't take any pics to show you. but hopefully soon.

tonight b cooked dinner and we ate at the kitchen table for the first time. believe it or not, the small table we had in the maxipad's kitchen is too big (too long to be exact) so we have this little square table now, and it made me feel like we were eating in a bistro. i liked it a lot.

i'm so happy that i've begun my christmas holidays. it's one of my favourite times of the year – having the time at work. life feels easy in a special way. i hope this year is a good mix of relaxing and productive :)

i should go! we're about to watch the muppet's christmas carol!

and my friends,
i've returned to wish you all the best...
and my friends,
i've returned to wish you a happy christmas.

megaphone

2011-12-21T16:01:00.001-05:00

i feel like we're mildly stalking our upstairs tenants. the suspicious side of me thinks they're purposely avoiding us. but the part of me that wants to give people the benefit of the doubt just thinks that we keep missing them or if they are avoiding us it's because they're needlessly concerned/feeling threatened. whatever the situation, i'd really like to get introductions over with. if they choose to avoid us after that then that's fine, but at least we'll be acquainted and have a record of their names. i suppose the only things that matter are that they pay their rent on time and they don't burn our house down.

we accidentally forgot our crockpot at the maxipad. i remembered seeing it in the lower cupboard and thinking we need to remember to pack it. but then we didn't, so b had to get the key from our landlord's mom and go back in one last time. she thanked us for leaving it in such good shape, which was nice to hear. i'd actually felt that i'd left it in worse shape than when i moved in, but i think that's more because of age and wear & tear than anything else.

my dad needs to have semi-emergency bypass surgery next week. it's a semi-emergency because they only just realized that his main artery is clogged and needs to be cleared out asap. it's only been a week and a half since he first noticed some chest discomfort when walking with purpose. things have gone very quickly. i'm trying not to worry. i know that it's a good sign that they discovered it before anything happened, and he's been given a nitro patch to thin his blood. it just feels like he has a ticking time bomb in his chest and i'll feel at ease when it's disarmed.

to my disappointment, my appetite hasn't fully returned since i was sick earlier this week. in one way it's nice that i'm never hungry (i become quite irrational when i'm hungry), but mostly it sucks because b took me out for my birthday dinner to chien noir and i hardly ate anything. it's must less fun when you can't enjoy your food and you have to watch someone else eat your creme brule (even though you willing gave it to them because you simply weren't hungry).

it's weird living on the first floor of a house again. i haven't lived so low to the ground in a long time. usually i don't mind people seeing in my windows, but as rach pointed out, i'm not accustomed to being so accessible. that's making me a little uncomfortable. i don't like that my computer is exposed. b keeps telling me that no one wants to steal my eight year old computer, but sometimes i think people just want stuff for no other reason but because it's within their grasp. i'm going to buy a less transparent blind.

the evening approaches

it is the time of the winter solstice.

deuteragonist

2011-12-20T14:51:00.001-05:00

sometimes.... i'm lucky enough to end up sitting in THE most comfortable position that i don't want to get up for anything. now is one of those times.

while unpacking in the den, we were quite amused with our "entertainment centre". it consists of pine boards, an old tv, a vcr and an original nintendo system. we do have a dvd player, and the only reason we have the vcr is because it launders the signal from our dvd player (it and the tv are not compatible). i like how lo-fi we are. it suits us just fine :) i think we're slowly finding our bearings at the exile, and the kitties are adjusting. although, honey still seems to be out of sorts - walking around in the basement meowing loudly for no apparent reason. maybe she left her heart back at the maxipad along with our crockpot.

my mom bought me my nintendo when i was either 12 or 13 for my birthday back in the early 90s. i remember us standing in toys r us for a very long time while she hum-ed and ha-ed over whether or not to buy a nintendo or a game-boy. which was the better choice - the game boy was cheaper, but i would get more use out of a nintendo. i think we made the right choice. in 2002, when i moved back from toronto i lost my controllers in transition and have been meaning to replace them ever since. when brendan first came across my unused nintendo he wanted us to take it to chumleighs because we'd make a killing on it, but i was NOT willing to even consider that. the problem is that brendan has difficultly with moderation, and in the past he developed a video game addiction, so since then he's been avoiding having video games in his house. now that i've replaced my controlers (bought brand new ones at chumleighs for 5 bux each), between the two of us we'll need to develop healthy boundaries around nintendo playing. so far it's been nothing but fun :) we've been playing super mario bros 3 and have found it's a great marriage game since we have to work as a team. i'm hoping that over christmas we can have one day of just playing all day and can beat the whole game together (something i've only done 2 or 3 times in my life - world 8 is HARD). apparently i'm stressful to watch while i play. i use my whole body and get quite worked up. i think it's that he's never seen a girl play nintendo before :p

my stomach seems to be feeling better and think i'll be well enough for my birthday dinner out at chien noir tonight. i'm excited because we're getting the winterlicious deal with includes an appetizer, a main course and dessert for $27. it's a bargin AND it's tasty. yay! the very fact that i'm thinking food sounds yummy is a good sign that i'm recovering from my stomach bug.

she is supergirl superwoman super-sexy-woman.

cordless drill

2011-12-19T19:28:00.001-05:00

well we're here! we're in! it's been a crazy last few days, mostly because i contracted liam's weird stomach bug and was sick sunday evening, barfing in the night, and have felt awful all day. not at all what i thought my sunday and monday would be like. hence the reason why i'm only checking in now.

the move went superbly on saturday. everyone worked really hard and got along really well. i think it took about three hours to move everything over then we had pizza, i opened gifts, then we had cake. there were still a lot of errands to run that evening so we didn't get as much done that night as i'd hope.

our first night's sleep here was ok, except at about 2:30 in the morning the upstairs neighbours (our tenants who we still haven't met yet), were walking around and the floors were creaking and making me bonkers. then b woke up at 4 because he remembered that he didn't put the cake away (which i already had) and in doing so woke me up and i couldn't fall back to sleep. i haven't been sleeping well lately, in the sense that i can't sleep in. too much on my mind. however, the good thing about throwing up in the night last night was that i was too ill and too exhausted to get up, so i slept in til 11.

yesterday joelle and caleb were in a christmas pagent at their church so we went to see it. it was pretty entertaining. caleb was in a world of his own and looked so cute because he was the youngest and looked so little. joelle did great. she was a real nature and i thought she was a better reader than some of the older kids – she had inflection in her voice.

i feel good. it chose not to give a lot of thought to leaving the maxipad. i'd already said good-bye so i didn't want to do that all over again. i know the exile will be filled with wonderful experiences too and i'm excited about that. i don't feel relaxed, and therefore don't quite feel at home yet, but i'm certain that has more to do with the boxes and chaos than anything else. the bathroom is the most complete, and it delights me each time i go in there.

we've had a lot of local visitors and waves, which have been very fun already. i like picardsville (the original name for this area. our street was the main st of picardsville). it feels good to be here, definitely feels like home.

home is wherever i'm with you.

cocoon

2011-12-15T17:11:00.001-05:00

i found an ad in the newspaper for a 1 bedroom apartment with back porch and front balcony looking over an open green space. from the first moment i got wind of that apartment it seemed like a good fit. shortly after i came to see the maxipad for the first time and signed up on the same day.

with the help of 15ish people i moved in at the end of april 2006, and proceeded to spend the next 5 and a half years here. when i first arrived i didn't know how long i'd be here, or what experiences i'd have within these walls, or under what circumstances i'd leave. i made a home in this quirky apartment; painting it's wood paneled walls, lying on it's orange shag carpet, showering in it's low-ceiling bathroom. to have people visit me in this space, especially in the early days, felt much the same as letting them into my very self. without knowing it, the maxipad became part of my self identity.

it's funny the way we can find ourselves at a loss for words when it comes to that which we love the most. that's how i feel right now as i try to form a stream of words about my beloved balcony. i don't even know what to say, nothing seems adequate enough.

***
dear maxipad...
my home of half a decade.
my coming of age home.
my safe place of refuge.

you've been good to me. you've sheltered me and given me security when i needed it most. you were also a place for us to fall in love and bind ourselves together.

you gave me my favourite place in the whole world – my balcony. where i planted gardens and watched things grow. where i sat in the shelter of the awning to hear the sound of summer rain and yet stay dry. i watched people go by in the daylight. sat in the dark of night and eavesdropped in conversations echo from up the street. i lied on the wooden floor in the heatwaves and read books with great satisfaction in the company of my kitties. nowhere else in the world have i felt both safe and free at the same time. sometimes it feels like you embody what it means to be truly content. you've made a mark on me. just as in all love affairs, i've been changed by you, and i bear the invisible and ever-present traces of that experience.

i leave you now not without hesitation – for everyone is always hesitant to leave a place of fond memories – but similarly to a person who leaves summer camp or a trip abroad, i know i'm going home. the fondness i have for you will not disappear. in fact i'm prone to believing that there will be none who loves you as i do. although, i'm not afraid to love another. it's only natural and as it should be. i'm confident that it would not be disloyal or even unfaithful, especially since both of us are moving on. you will soon welcome someone new into this space.

i'll miss you too bedroom birds. you are like a tattoo on my non-biological body. you get be painted over, although, on the other hand they may want to keep you. you are after all, very low-maintenance birds.

so, i think that's it. i love you maxipad. thanks for all you've been to me.

***
we don't live here anymore.

hurricane

2011-12-14T22:22:00.001-05:00

i've been thinking about the word and concept of 'home' since rach's comment about feeling at home as soon as she arrived at her house on moving day. what makes a place feel like home? what makes one place feel differently than another. i mentioned to be that the exile won't feel like home at first, and he said it will still be good. it made me think about the times we've been on trips and stayed at different places and how it's fun and kind of exciting. even if it doesn't feel like home at first it will still be fun. that said though, i think it will. it's a brendan+lesley sized home. b says 'no one else could live there but us'. it will be little and it will be ours, and it will be wonderful :)

my heart is returned to sister winter.

rebate

2011-12-13T16:06:00.002-05:00

after last weeks fiasco with my long pants, i thought i should take advantage of my christmas shopping trip to the mall and drop of my pants at stitch-it for some hemming. since it's been several years since i had pants hemmed (due to my hatred for errands) i ended up taking 4 pairs of pants. clearly there was a backlog. they were supposed to be ready yesterday by 5, but when i went to get them they were next in line to be worked on, so i said i'd come back tonight. i'm very excited to have pants the right length. they'll be so much more comfortable!

i'm starting to feel weird about moving. it's not cold feet exactly, because i don't want to stay but now that moving day is so soon it's pretty overwhelming! like, we're going to be living in a new place, with new neighbours and new tenants (who have not acknowledged the polite note we left for them by sending us their email addresses). it's funny because i thought i've experienced all the possible waves of anxiety so i'm surprised by this - the moving in and getting settled part - since it's been the thing i've been looking forward to the most! i'm sure that when we arrive i won't look back. just like birthdays. i always feel weird about turning the new age, but when my birthday arrives it's totally great.

it's hard to believe that i'm turning 32 on saturday, i haven't given any thought to that at all. too much going on. i'm ok with that though, i think 32 is a good solid number. its a very whole sounding number. unlike 31 which seems a little off balance. a little bit not quite right. hey! it just occured to me that i will be 32 while b is 23 :) LIKE!

while i was sick in november i watched a movie called the extra man. ever since i've haven't been able to think of a christmas ball the same. i'm certain that from now on i'll always associate them with that movie and the strange thing is... i don't think anyone else has seen the film, nor would i suggest it (just a little dull, although kevin kline is great in it). it's both forget able and unforgettable at the same time. although, it inspired me to ask for a cloche hat for christmas.

did you google what a cloche hat is?

i bet you did.

didn't you... ;)

my friends
i've begun to worry
right where I should be grateful...
i should be satisfied.

bare

2011-12-10T18:15:00.001-05:00

nothing motivates me to get to work on time then the need for a nearby parking spot. in the last 6 to 8 months there has been an influx of staff at my office which means the parking lot is full by the time i arrive (usually a few minutes late). which means i have to park in a farther away parking lot, coincidentally making me even more minutes late. after 8+ years, nothing – not fear of boss, not fear of judgmental colleagues, not fear of self-disappointment – could give me the necessary desire to arrive on-time until now.

about a year ago i ordered some awesome socks online planning to make a habit of it, but forgot after that. they were great socks but i haven't seen them since returning from ireland and i've wondered if i lost them there. but no, i found them while packing!! i was looking forward to finding the things that i've lost during the packing process, so i was really quite pleased.

we did all our christmas shopping today. i've concluded doing them in one shot is the best way for us at handling the stores and crowds. before going i packed snacks and made myself a sandwich. i also remembered that we needed to bring along bags with us. it was a long affair but we got everything finished and are quite pleased. we ended our shopping at the goat for a lovely cup of hot chocolate. not bad. not bad at all :)

cause i don't care too much for money,
for money can't buy me love.

galaxy

2011-12-08T15:55:00.001-05:00

this might go without saying, but i won't be throwing myself a birthday party this year. i really enjoy my yearly birthday gatherings, and i look forward to next year's get together. but this year, with us moving on my birthday, things are going to be kind of hectic. instead we'll just have EVERYONE over in january for an open house to warm the place. that will be fun. stay tuned!

you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends.

bowling lanes

2011-12-07T21:21:00.001-05:00

so i fed my cat an egg. or at least tried to. why? whenever i made an egg salad sandwich she goes all crazy like she wants to eat it. so i looked up if cats can eat hard boiled eggs, and they can. since she's on a hunger strike right now i thought it could be a way of coaxing her into eating. it didn't work. even though she meowed and meowed and meowed at me while i mashed it up, she promptly turned her nose up at it. when i let pekoe out of the bathroom (where i lock him so he won't eat honey's food) he didn't want to eat it either. this said, these are the same cats who were skeptical of tuna juice at first. i literary had to dip their noses into it to make them try it.

i spend my time just making rhymes.

metres

2011-12-07T10:07:00.001-05:00

i don't actually remember the last time i was looking forward to my birthday so much. i must have been a teenager. i used to count down to my birthday like i expected some grand event, and was always kind of let down because it never quite lived up to my expectations. however, this year is different. on my 32nd birthday we'll move into our new house :) i'm really very excited. we didn't plan it so that it would happen on my birthday, that's just how it worked out, but i'm actually really happy it did :)

at the xmas party on saturday, i was struck by how different i felt from last year. at the previous party i was at the height of feeling tormented over my weight. i'd had a gym membership for 2 months and had only gained weight. its funny how in the end it wasn't the gym that helped me shed the weight but simply controling my in take. i'm really pleased with what i accomplished, and i feel good in my body again. my clothes fit properly and i'm comfortable.

it's amazing how much garbage is created when packing. last week i woke up early, and at 6:30 collected up the trash to take the the curb. but before i had the chance to take it out i saw the garbage truck outside our house. i was minutes too late. as a result we have an excessive amount of trash this week.

we packed all out kitchenware on the weekend, so we eat off picnic dishware and each have one cup. brendan really likes it. to be fair, i'd probably feel the same way if i were him, since he washes all the dishes. it's fun using makeshift dishes. tupperware as bowls.

i love crossing things off lists. that's probably my favourite thing about packing :D

your sister's bangs...
she cut them herself.

moonshine

2011-12-05T20:52:00.001-05:00

my finger is oddly swollen.

in doing some pre-house planning i've been on the look out for a loveseat for our den. for sitting on while watching movies. i've been looking around for quite some time, and found one on kijiji last week that would do the trick. so this evening i swung by and picked it up, fitting it perfectly into the back of our small suv.

all day long my pants have been too long. i had them folded up but either the heel or the toe would get caught in the fold and i would trip. so far i have not fallen, but i fear that i might if i don't do something about it. so i kept them unfolded touching the ground. they soon got wet on a count of the rain.

my long pants,
my high heeled boots,
feeling thirsty,
and hungry,
in the rain,
all made for the wrong state of mind to unload the new loveseat into our chaotic apartment. but we tried anyways. we pushed and pulled and twisted and turned that loveseat. finally in a fit of frustration i changed my pants and boots, then positions so that i was in the front of the couch. unfortunately, b, who was losing his patience for reasonable reasons, rammed the couch really hard, trapping my pinky finger. it was damaged in the most peculiar way. it immediately swelled up, and the skin was torn but not bleeding. and man, did it hurt. strangely enough, in that moment of finger agony i made the immediate decision (one that had not crossed our minds at all until then) that we would put the loveseat back into the car and take it to next to be stored there until moving day.

it's been a few hours and the pain has subsided. it's still oddly swollen and bent slightly. but i can use it, which is good.

december is an strange month to be moving in. nothing feels normal at all.

two can be as bad as one,
It's the loneliest number since the number one.

spoof

2011-12-05T09:11:00.001-05:00

sometimes in the winter i get eczema on my eyelid. it's starting already. i tried putting this intense cream on it and not it's burning. i think i need to get some proper eczema lotion.

well i got everything sorted out with the home insurance stuff. phew! that stressed me out more than it should've. i think it was because i wasn't expecting it to be so difficult. thankfully our realtor provided us with the missing information. i'm pleased that our home insurance is a good rate, only a little more than our current renter's insurance. i've concluded that unwittingly, renter's insurance was one of the best decisions i've ever made. it was an excellent transition aid into home ownership. we spent a great deal of time this weekend packing. we've gotten most of the kitchen packed up and plan to eat off our picnic set for the next 9 days. i've been cleaning as we go, so most of the cupboards have already been cleaned out, which makes me feel like we're making great progress. i'm hoping that by this weekend we'll have the majority finished and we can just saturday to do our christmas shopping.

while packing i listened to 'this is that' on cbc. to be honest, i don't really get that show. why make up fake news? i tuned in half way thru the show and i thought the first story was real!

we took a break from packing on saturday evening to go to the bbd annual christmas party. we got all dressed up, me in a black and purple dress, and b in his vest purple tie combo :) i was a little nervous because frank and marilyn were not going to be there and i wasn't sure who we'd sit with. but it turns out that a girl that brendan was acquainted with was there with her boyfriend who's an intern at bbd and she invited us to sit with them. it was just the four of us at a table of 8 but it was still fun. near the end of the evening we started guessing what song the dj would play first, and brendan guessed right with "tonight's gonna be a good night" by the black eyed peas :p all in all it was a fun time. and since brendan just got his driver's licence he could legally drive home after having wine with his dinner.

my dad joined facebook yesterday. hilarious. so far his only friend are me, b and joy+tim (who have a joint account). i wonder if he and my mom will be facebook friends.

simply...

having...

a wonderful christmas time.

yikes

2011-12-02T11:06:00.001-05:00

i feel so stressed out today that i almost feel in pain. i'm so frustrated over this house insurance stuff. i don't have the answers they need to start our home insurance, and i can't find the papers from our home inspection. i'm kicking myself for not being more organized. i really try my best, i try very hard to keep on top of things and keep important papers in important places - which is why i kept all our papers in the same place, but know i can't find the file folder. and even if i find it, i don't know if it will have the information i'm looking for. for some reason all this stress and anxiety is culiminating in feeling simply mad about it. it's making me feel tired and overwhelmed.

in brighter news, brendan passed his driving test yesterday so he now has his full G licence and will never need to undergo that process again. it feels like a big accomplishment to have one's G licence. i was very thrilled. one of the exciting things about being married to a younger man is that i get to enjoy seeing him reach these milestones. there's really nothing like seeing someone you're a big fan of knock one success out of the park, then another, and another. it's funny how even though i was confident he'd pass, there's always the looming thought "what if he doesn't?". similar to other things, eg we need to get an emissions test done on the car. and although i'm fairly certain it will pass, i still have to consider "what if it doesn't?"

what if?
what if?
what if?

what if i can't find out what kind of wiring we have in the house? or the percentage of galvinized piping? or the amp service?

i seriously need some kind of stress reliever to take the edge off.

tie up your boots,
jump off the ladder,
pack up your clothes,
nothing's the matter.

again (x infinity)

2011-11-30T10:31:00.001-05:00

my trip to berlin has been cancelled AGAIN!

this is the fourth or fifth time potential trips have been canned. no doubt another opportunity will come along, but at this point i won't hold my breath. i'm starting to not care about visiting berlin on business. maybe it's just not in the cards for me.

flip...

FLOP....

slide

2011-11-29T16:33:00.001-05:00

after years of waiting, i've finally purchased the sufjan stevens songs for christmas album. it's totally awesome! there's over 40 songs, so they'll totally keep me going until the end of the year. i may never need another christmas album again!

i've concluded that 'o holy night' is my favourite christmas carol. not specifically on this album, but in general. it's beautifully written - poetic and profound. and musically it builds to perfectly.

i'm really getting into the christmas spirit of things, more than any other year before. i still have no desire to decorate, but that's ok. i like making gifts, listening to christmas music, eating clementines and spending time with people. that's enough for me, and it might always be.

man, i'm so glad that sufjan is a genius and that he doesn't take himself to seriously.

your mom's going to the country.

faucet

2011-11-28T16:23:00.001-05:00

"that's just a box of mugs waiting to happen" is my new favourite phrase.

on saturday kieran hung out with us in our living room for about 10 minutes. he's the 7 year old son of bren. he was suited up in his hockey gear and waiting for mike to retrieve him. as he stood waiting, brendan and i told him that we're moving soon. he looked around our living room and said "you still have a lot to pack". very true. that may have been the moment that flicked the switch in my brain and since then i've been spending almost all my spare time stuffing more stuff into boxes. unfortunately we run out of boxes frequently.

we're moving in 19 days. counting down like this reminds me of when we got married. it was the last time i was counting down to something significant that required a lot of advanced planning. i've concluded though that house owning is much more up my alley than weddings. i'm inspired by the blank canvas of our new home in a way i never was about our wedding. i eagerly looked forward to being married to b, but i didn't eagerly look forward to the wedding. i'm pretty much pysched about everything house related. but i am quite overwhelmed by the packing process. it's hard because we're running out of space to put things.

i packed up my balcony garden on saturday. my heart ached in a familiar way. its the feeling of knowing something good is over. something that can never be recaptured. i've never felt so simultaneously safe and free as i did when i was on my balcony. it saddens me to think there will never be another sunny summer afternoon lying on the balcony with honey lying on the cushion beside me. if she knew we were moving and it meant she'll never be able to go outside again she'd be just devastated. i'm sure if she was a capable of such things, she'd completely refuse to go. that said, i think they'll like the view from the exile - the sunny foyer and the windowsills.

looking back to when i moved in to the maxipad, and my years spent there, it never occured to me that i'd someday leave with my husband to buy a house. i thought i'd go live on wolfe island, travel the world, or live with housemates again. i like that this step forward, as conventional as it is, still comes to me as a surprise.

at paul's birthday party on saturday, b and i had the chance to chat with rachel and dan for quite a while. it's hard to believe i haven't seen her in 6 months. it just feels like a week past since i saw her last, because we picked up right where we left off. i really value that kind of connection - consistant and warm. i honestly can't think of anything worse to me than inconsistant and cold. it was a treat to see the greenwoods and the butler clan on a november afternoon :)

take only what you need from it.

carpet

2011-11-25T16:50:00.001-05:00

i spent two days at home sick. the first day i slept all morning then sat on the couch crochetting. the second day i went into work but then left at 9:30. i spent that day also on the couch crochetting and watching the entire 3rd season of the office on dvd (it was the only thing left unpacked from our dvd collection). since our landlord's mother brings by potential new tenants on almost a daily basis (3 times yesterday), and because i'm married to a tidy man, i came up with the ingenious plan to keep a paper bag on the floor beside me to collect my used kleenexs. perhaps depositing dirty tissues into a trash bag isn't ingenious, but believe me it was a new revelation to sick-lesley.

my head still aches and i have moments of congestion that block my ability to breath, but on the whole i'm improving. even my sore and chapped nose is feeling better. on wednesday morning i tried rachel's trick of eating a clove of raw garlic. but it didn't work. maybe it was already too late at that point, i dunno.

i'm just about finished brendan's nana's blanket. i'm in the second final stage of crochetting it together (the last stage is sewing in all the extra bits). it's looking fantastic. brendan told me he kind of wished it was for him instead of nana. that said, it was really quite easy so i'm certain i have many more blankets in my future. some of the colours are a bit bold, and sometimes i wonder if nana will not like the bright colours. but then i think about how her eye sight is not good, which means that bright colours will be easier for her to enjoy. at least that's what i've heard before about people with poor vision.

each month b plans out our menu for our week-day dinners. tonight we're supposed be having grilled cheese sandwiches, but i kind of want to go our for indian food. curry would be good for my sinuses. i wonder if i'll be able to convince him to go to darbar for supper. as a teenager brendan was a dishwasher at curry original. i like hearing his stories about how his coworkers taught him to eat indian food properly. it's not very often that you hear someone say "that was back before i started eating with my hands".

sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions.

frost

2011-11-22T14:49:00.001-05:00

as much as i love the goat. and as much as i embrace its somewhat ghetto state, i do feel the brick that is currently the "latch" in the big stall in the womyn's washroom is a BIT much.

last night rach and i went out for a cup of tea and a chat. b was in bed by the time i got home, but still wanted to hear about my evening. he asked "what did you talk about?" and as i told him "oh, you know... we talked about our families, moving, heaven and hell, evolution and creationism" i smiled about the kinds of 'regular' things my good friend rach and i casually talked about over the table at the goat.

rach will soon live a 50 second walk away from my house. we'll be 79 main, and they'll be 98. the day b and i went to see our house for the first time rach was casually sitting out on their front step when we emerged. i've still never remembered to ask her if she timed that on purpose (because i told her in advance we were going to see it at 3) or if it was just a coincidence. either way, it felt good debriefing to her and the 4 of us (jase came and joined us outside) chatted things over. in many ways i imagine that living on main will be like living on clark when i was growing up - known most of my neighbours and having friends speckled around me. in a lot of ways it seems that i'm constantly trying to get back to the simplicity of my childhood - when things felt straightforward and i worried very seldom.

it seems that i'm becoming very selective in the books that i'd like to read. i skimmed thru the list of audio books today, and all the ones that seems remotely interesting were quickly disgarded for one reason or another. i want something beautifully written. something deeply impacting. and yet something amusing and quirky. i'm not certain if such a book exists, but i'll keep looking. yes, some must exist because i've read several books like that already this year.

i did read something astute today... "when they say they want freedom they never quite mean it, what they mean is freedom from interference". hm... * nod *

minor chords of major works.

open

2011-11-21T15:07:00.001-05:00

i found he smelled like oreo cookies.

when i left for work this morning i found it was quite cold outside (later learning it was -4). it wasn't until that moment did it occur to me that we're moving in december )a fairly unpredictable month weather-wise and at the very least a dark and cold month. while this does change things slightly in my head, i'm still confident it will go smoothly. at least it won't be snowy (i hope those aren't famous last words), it hasn't snowed on my birthday since i was a kid. about once a week we stop by the exile and peek in the windows. everytime we're there i feel more and more at home there. it feels very natural for us to make our home there. yesterday i concluded that it is actually larger than the maxi pad. it felt quite big compared to its smallness in my imagination. we ran out of boxes on saturday, so i'll try to get more at the grocery store. we only have 3 saturdays left before moving day, and there's much to do.

yesterday brendan's friend mj from school came to next for the first time. when b first mentioned her in september he told me that he thought i'd really like her, citing her dreadlocks and her traveling. so it turned out to be a fun surprise when he later learned she was a church-goer and he's invited her to next - which meant i had an opportunity to meet her. i really enjoyed getting to know her over the potluck. it reminded me of how bren once told me that she met some wonderful women thru mike when he was in school with all female classmates. it feels as though it's been a while since i met a new person who i really hit it off with. i was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me - like i'd lost my ability to make new friends.

andrew and shannon had us over for the santa claus parade on saturday night. we sat at their bedroom window looking into princess street watching the parade go by. perhaps the most amusing, and unexpected, part was the couple sitting on the sideway across the street. we concluded they were a relatively new couple because they were cuddling and kissing so much. the most hilarious part was when we observed them having a spat. we watched their body language and speculated about what was happening. in the end they made up but things didn't return to the same cuddly lovey-dovey state as before. it seems he got a text message or something that got the girl really upset. afterwards they fed a delicious dinner and we watched elf. there's a few holes in that story, they clearly tried to make the story the least confrontational (ie how did a baby end up at the north pole without the parents being traumatized and there being a country-wide search, etc) but their solutions to those issues make the story extra far-fetched. granted it is a story about a grown made elf in santa's workshop, so my standards for realism shouldn't be very high. i felt very drowsy and rested my eyes for much of the film, and when it was over i rambled in my sleepy state. strange things come out of my mouth when i'm sleepy.

we are under the same sun.

pipe-cleaner

2011-11-18T12:51:00.001-05:00

on tuesday i bought a cat door to install at the new house. it will go in the door to the basement so we can keep the litter box down there and the kitties can have easy access. when i got it home with it brendan was skeptical that the cats would fit thru it - because pekoe in particular is quite fat. so we took turns - one holding the door, and the other holding a cat - pushing them thru the door. they were not happy but they fit! it was very amusing. poor koe-koe is not the brightest. it will take him some time to figure out how to use it. that said, he can open the bathroom door all by himself, he often invites himself in when i'm in there.

our landlords mother brought some potential tenants thru our place last night. it was quite awkward, and i felt weird about people looking over our home as a place to live. i found the advertisement on kijiji. he's raised the rent quite a bit. it's bittersweet to be leaving, but i'm excited about starting over. yesterday marked the one month count down to our move. there's still lots to do and hopefully we'll get some packing done this weekend.

i've learned me to crochette proper-like. hooray!

stay young
(go dancing)

organic

2011-11-15T15:46:00.001-05:00

when i was 13 years old - exactly a month after my birthday - on a cold, wintery sunday afternoon... i got my period for the first time. and while this seems like an odd connection, i've recently concluded that there is a direct connection between that event and my discomfort with people dropping by my house unexpectedly.

on that afternoon, when my body was high-jacked by my woman-self, i was really caught off-guard. my mom and sister affectionately teased me but i was not in the frame of mind to accept taunts in good humour. i wept. i mourned. i repeated over and over "i'm too young! i'm too young!" it was difficult for me to reconcile myself with the notion that i was beginning a new chapter in my life. i was reluctant and taken by surprise.

not 15 minutes after discovering the life-changing spot in my girly underpants, did my dad show up at my house unannounced (he had not lived with us for several years at that point). and in my tortured and emotional state - one in which i would have best soothed myself by writhing and flopping around on the bathroom floor like some kind of fish-toddler hybrid - i had to put on a brave-face and pretend like everything was normal. but i assure you, i was far from normal. the fact that i could not let my trauma run its course and be properly out of my system within an hour or two made matters worse. and to this day i have been incredibly uncomfortable, and to some extent resentful, when people politely pop-by, as though it's a continuation of that awkward afternoon.

no one understands this less then my family, oddly enough. i have tried to articulate that i might be indisposed or not in the frame of mind to receive guests, but my reasoning seems to not be justified for them. there are a few exceptions to this rule, when it's a good friend who is sensitive enough to be willing to be on their way if they've arrived at an inopportune time - and are someone who i can frankly tell why they've caught me at a bad time. had the visitor on january 17, 1993 been someone other than my some-what estranged dad i probably would have and could have handled the situation with more ease.

i want living at the exile to be the beginning of a new open (or maybe just more-open) door policy for me (i specify for me since b has no problem with drop-bys. he used to live in a house when they had all sorts of colourful people stop by any time). i'm hoping that by having a door that's on the street (instead of in the backyard) will create a more fluid sense for me that i'm more natural and familiar with that environment. maybe even with my dad! that said, it does help that i'm now an adult who can tell a visitor "oh hey, b and i are in the middle of a serious conversation right now" or "i've had a bit of a stressful day" or "i've just got in the door" and ask that we catch up later. it's really quite liberating to be an adult :)

a woman had come in the night to replace me,
deface me.

tapped

2011-11-14T13:32:00.001-05:00

it was a full and productive weekend.

on friday morning i woke up with a great idea for an art project for our new house. the plan was the build a wooden frame, then stretch decorative fabric over the frames to create some attractive yet simple art. i'm so pleased. on saturday our house was way too hot to sleep so i woke up at 7:30. by 10 i'd headed over to rona to buy some wood and had it trimmed to size. by noon i was on the job. glueing, hammering, nailing, cutting and stapling. it was awesome. i LOVE doing things like that. i made three and they turned out really well. unfortunately the only home decor fabric (meaning fabric with large print) i could find were different kinds of flowery designs. i'm always highly sensitive to flowery designs, especially when i'm sharing a house with a man. but at least there's a consistency, and it's not like there's flowers anywhere else in the house. b likes them a lot, so that's all that matters.

with bren being in ethiopia at the moment, b and i went to skye's hockey game then hungout with her and kieran while mike was at another game with ro. it was great. at 5 years old, skye is the best player on her team - which is comprised of all but two girls. watching little kids hockey is a little bit of a gong show but at the same time being a person quite unfamiliar with hockey it was neat seeing them learn different skills like stopping and stick handing.

i can't remember if i've mentioned that the upstairs apartment at the exile on main street needs some renovations and repairs. anyways, our current plan is to give notice to the tenants that they have until the end of april, then they must vacate so we can do our renovations. it's been pretty stressful buying a house for the first time, instantly becoming landlords, then having to evict someone before we receive our first months rent from them. it's really not ideal. and we have next to no rights even though we own the house. in order to lawfully evict someone on the grounds of renovations we need a building permit. we're toying with the idea of installing 2 tubular skylights - one in the stairwell and one in the bathroom - which would qualify us for a building permit. this is what a tubular skylight looks like when installed. doesn't it make a lovely difference? anyways, b and i have yet to reach a consensus on this. but at least i'm not feeling stressed anymore.

we'll live in slow-motion.

magazines

2011-11-11T13:05:00.001-05:00

growing up i really valued remembrance day. there was something mystical about gathering in the school gym and hearing stories from senior teachers about growing up during WWII. the horrors of war that i could not imagine were recalled so that i could remember. WWI was said to be the war to end all wars. the people in that day and age hated the war that tore a part their lives. they wanted nothing more than to put an end to it, and make life better for future generations. remembrance day was made so we wouldn't forget. that we wouldn't forget the perils of war and why we must strive for peace. i'm deeply saddened that it has become about something else. now it's about supporting troops, remembering those who died. and while i feel that the loss of a soldier's life is a tragedy i feel that if we gave more attention to peace than that life could have been saved. i'm really frustrated by this distortion of remembrance day. this beautiful day of remembering that war is awful and longing for another way.

things are so different now. the reasons for war. the war machine. it's inaccurate to say it's the same now as it was in the early and mid 20th century. those who served and died in the world wars were recruited - at least most of them. the war took the lives of every day people - not professional soldiers. civilians dressed up in military fatigues were given a gun and sent out into the unknown. the reality is that today's soldiers are enlisted men and women who need a job or someone to pay for their university education. these people are not dying out of love for country, but instead because of a work-place danger. they are casualties for their career. which in many ways is much sadder. their deaths get dressed up, and their families are told that they made the ultimate sacrifice, their death was honourable (and i'd wouldn't take that sentiments from them if it makes them feel better). while many are drawn to a life of military service because they love their country, i don't imagine that they would honestly trade their lives, families, relationships, friends for the sake of being a name on a death toll for patriotism.

it's just sad. i saw a news article today that said "no greater love" as it's headline. aside the fact that that's a blatant rip off of the bible and comparing jesus to soldiers, it seems like propaganda. it's sad that the government is too chicken to acknowledge the distortion of remembrance. i feel that as the leader who sets the tone, almost as the parent figure, that they should speak truth instead of adding to the forget of peace. honestly it makes my heart hurt.

be free...
with doors unlocked and open.

significant

2011-11-10T12:49:00.002-05:00

the more i write at work, the less i write outside of work. it's odd really. it's not that i'm tired of writing by evening, or sick or it, but i feel more like my need to write has been met and i don't have anything else to say. i just listened at storytellers last night - for the first time. i enjoyed that. i crochetted while they wrote and i enjoyed hearing what they'd written. beforehand rach helped me figure out what i'd been doing wrong with my crochetting and after that sped along excellently. i'm ever so pleased :)

buying a house feels very much like one step forward, two steps back. we regularly come across glitches that soon get smoothed out, but there's so many of them that it's hard to not be rattled. perhaps it's because we're not just buying a house, we're also new landlords and having to deal with an extra set of issues. our feeling is though, that this is a very good decision and will really come in handy in the long run. we just have to get thru the initial headaches and expenses, which is often the case with big life decisions. yesterday we were one step back. today feels like one step forward and a half step back. it's hard to stay positive. right now i'm becoming most interested in the path of least resistance.

i'm not particularly enjoying this in between stage. going but not gone yet. moving but not moved yet. we actually move in one month and one week. i can't wait til my christmas vacation. preparing it starting to lose it's appeal.

last night i dreamt that i lived in my childhood bedroom with brendan. that we were taking a trip on short notice to mexico with a bunch of friends and i was struggling to get packed in time. i scrambled. i while found everything in the same place as always, for some reason they took a long time to find. it was puzzling and it made me feel overly stretched.

this is where we find our peace,
this is where we are at least.

2011-11-09T16:20:00.001-05:00

sometimes people call me lori because of my last name. it makes me giggle at them. not cruelly just humourously.

beppi

2011-11-07T16:29:00.001-05:00

our house is so hot.
HOW HOT IS IT?
it's so hot that we sleep in summer pjs, with no blankets and the window open.
it's unplesantly hot. i'm looking forward to having control over our heating in the new place.

yesterday, on november 6, to celebrate the three year anniversary of my black star tattoo, shanno and i made our yearly trek to exotic gananoque. while there we drank free beverages (coca-cola for me, pure cream for her), spent 15-20 minutes at the 2¢ slots before the house had bled us dry of our small bills. we people watched a while longer than piled back into the car. it's a delightful tradition. i like that admission and drinks are free. i probably wouldn't like going if they charged us for those things. the culture of the casino is unlike anything else. i wish i could talk to the patrons and find out why they're there and how often they go. it's not glamourous at all, so it's not for the setting. while there i was reminded of the high number of canadians who don't have a retirement plan but rather expect to win the lottery. so many people looking to get rich quick. it's ironic that they'd be sooner rich if they stopped wasting their money. i've always thought that not spending money is the fastest way to have more money.

before heading down the highway we attended at pampered chef party. one of the other party goers seemed stunned that we were going to go to the casino that night while still planning on going to work the next day. i can't imagine what she thought we were going to do there.

when there's a burning in your heart,
don't be alarmed.

remind

2011-11-04T13:46:00.001-04:00

it's been over two year since we started book club. and i'd have to say that last night was the most we've talked about books :) we had a long and lively conversation, not about the book we read for the club, but other books we've read or are reading. it was delightful :)

so you know how our new house is a duplex? well... there's currently 3 dudes living up there, but come spring we're going to do some renovations and then after that andrew and shannon are going to move in! isn't that super?!?! it's so great for many reasons. 1) they'll be good upstairs neighbours. 2) we'll be able to enjoy sharing stuff - like a garden and wifi internet. 3) we'll be able to hangout more and have meals together. this is a delightful arrangement!!!

man... eventhing is delightful :D

my gym membership expired in october. i'm kind of happy about that since i haven't been going since the spring and now i don't have to feel badly about wasting money. it's nice because i have more spare time than last year. i decided to not renew it since b and i found that i was more successful with managing my weight by watching what i ate than when i went to the gym. being active is still important to me, so i'll just need to find an alternative. i imagine that when we live closer to downtown i'll walk places more often. right now it's an extra 10 minutes to most place i go to so i don't bother walking - it would just take too long and i'm usually short on time.

i'm still living
at the old address.

good

2011-11-03T16:20:00.001-04:00

last night i sat in the kitchen with my feet up on the table listening to a live broadcast of a feist concert while i crochetted. it was immensely satisfying and it struck me how content i felt in that experience.

you will pull strange gifts from the heart of the trees.

superfluous

2011-11-02T16:30:00.001-04:00

i've figured it out! i've found a way to listen to audio books online and think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. it seems to me that i will speed thru many many books each month, each week even! these are exciting times. part of me is wonders if i might eventually lose the ability to read completely! like a use it or lose it situation, but probably not.

its said that scent is the greatest memory jogger. for a long while i thought that music brought back familiar feelings the most. and while that's kind of still true, i'm starting to get the idea of smells. today i ate my first clementine of the season. immediately upon piercing the skin the smells and feelings of christmas surfaced in my mind. that makes me happy. i'm really digging the changing of seasons this year. i'm liking that we're settling into a winterish routine. days getting shorter. clothes getting warmer. mitts and scarves. it's good stuff.

we can't even think of a word that rhymes.

orange

2011-11-01T15:28:00.001-04:00

when i was little. my family 'trick or treated' like regular kids. when i got to be around 6 my parents had done a lot of learning about the origins of halloween and didn't want us to partake in the ritual. they tried their best to keep us entertained and gave us treats. thankfully it was my sister's birthday so we had something to distract us and celebrate instead. now that we're adults my parents no longer see any harm in 'trick or treating'. which is good, i'm glad they've changed their minds. i don't resent missing out on that childhood experience, because at the time i fully agreed with them. in fact, i would sometimes try to convince my friends that they should also abstain. looking back though, or maybe it's not looking back, maybe it's more being an adult and more exposed to the tradition, i see more of what i missed out on and it makes me a little sad. i'm not resentful or disappointed, it's just unfortunate that it's so foreign to me. i feel a little stunted in this area. thankfully someday, b and i will have little lorimerettes who we'll take door to door and with them i'll be able to carve out a new story. that's nice. i like that we're always making and remaking ourselves and our stories. it's never too late.

in the meantime, we get to participate in the halloween harvest - a food drive for the partners in mission food bank. it's always a little awkward going door to door asking for food but it's also delightful because we get to see the warmest and most generous side of people. they're already opening their doors to strangers and giving away things for free, so they're happy to give non-perishable food items as well. it's actually exciting to see how quickly the bags and cars fill up. this is a food drive that's been taking place for 16 years in kingston, and it helps keeps the food bank stocked til the christmas influx.

all i know is what i have words for.

putin

2011-10-31T13:49:00.001-04:00

back in 2008, when i had a carpooler named paul, i tried to learn to crochet. it didn't go well, and i packed it in halfway thru my second coaster. crafting with a single stick was just too weird and i decided i wasn't cut out for it. since then i have picked up a crochet hook once or twice to graft together knitting projects. i found that wasn't TOO bad so i was slightly more open to it, but only slightly. but for this blanket i'm making for nana i really wanted to learn to crochet because it's faster, uses less yarn, provides opportunities for mixing colours, is two-sided, etc. on saturday brendan arrived home with andrew to find me watching crocheting videos online. b was quick to point out that just earlier in the day i'd remarked at how odd it is that he watches videos about how different guys set up their guitars. i have to admit, we're probably even. anyways, i gave it a try and still failed to grasp it. BUT last night, i found an extremely basic video explaining how to make a granny square and it all came clear in my head. I GET IT!! FINALLY! in hindsight i wasn't understanding what a double crochet was, or how to make a shell. anyways, i'm extremely pleased now. and part of me is tempted to rip out my knitted squares and crochet them all for nana's blanket. i dunno. last time i was at her place i saw that she already has a crochetted blanket, so maybe she doesn't need one. BUT at the same time, i kind of feel that there's no harm in having more than one.

i set an email of two months notice to our landlord over a week ago and i didn't hear back from him so this morning i called. his wife answered very sleepily and kind of grumpy. at first she just told me that he wasn't there but didn't offer to take a message or anything. finally, after me waiting silently for her to say something she did, and i told her who i was and that i'd sent him an email with my 2 months notice. she was surprisingly and oddly excited to hear i'd bought a house. it almost made me wonder if they'd been waiting for me to leave - i know there's been some talk about converting the maxipad into a 2 bedroom apartment (insulating the back porch to become the living room). anyways, while i was kind of taken a back by her unexpected enthusiasm, i'm pleased that they're happy and not feeling put out. it makes me happy when things work out for everyone :)

while i'm very excited about living at the exile, and i think it will be a great investment for us. i'm finding all the up-front expenses of home-buying (or simply moving) really annoying! argh! and to make matters more complicated... cogeco made a mistake and has already started billing us for phone and internet service at our new house even though we don't move in for another month and a half! the mistake has been corrected and will be credited to our account, but it means we're out at least $200 in the meantime. we're definitely feeling the pinch. i'll just be glad when things balance out again in december.

people get ready, there's a train comin'.

cowgirl/bank robber

2011-10-28T13:09:00.001-04:00

i haven't had a tootsie roll in years, but i could go for one right now. good thing it's nearly halloween.

the problem that i have with may projects, whether knitting or decorating, is that i'm so excited for the finished product that i rush and sometimes don't pace myself enough. it's like i'm running to stand still. i'm very excited about getting set-up at the exile that i almost started rearranging things at the maxipad last night. thankfully b was able to divert me by pointing out that the slopped floors will not support the tall shelf unit (it would tilt over) and i should just wait til we move. so i conceeded. i have a month and a half to mentally prepare myself to walk instead of run.

i haven't told you yet about brendan't birthday adventure! well...

• without telling b, i took the day off from work. i got up in the morning when my alarm went off as usual. when he got up i told him that i wasn't going to work. he was still sleepy so was confused and thought i was sick or something.

• i cooked him breakfast

• he went to school in the morning for a test and i picked him up at 11

• for his birthday i gave him a wooden shoe polishing kit. he was really puzzled at first because he had no idea what it was! so i showed him where the shoe goes and he was extremely delighted. he got his shoes and started polishing them right away.

• went to the chien noir for lunch

• bought a house (signed the final paperwork to make it official)

• then went bowling! (btw: each activity was a surprise, i'd just tell him where we were going next)

• when we got to cloverleaf there was some kind of senior's bowling league playing so we played two rounds of pool until there was a lane available. b shot two great games, i had difficulty finding a ball weight that was suitable for me (they were all either too heavy or too light with small finger holes)

• then we watched bridesmaids (i'd picked up pumpkins to carve and roast the seeds while we watched the movie, but we ran out of time)

• we met up with a group of friends at the brew pub that evening and stayed quite late chatting with ben and josh.

it was a fun day :)

you know that all the rope's untied.

feet

2011-10-27T14:28:00.001-04:00

if experience has taught me anything it's that there is no sense in becoming despondent when something doesn't work out, because new opportunities come along. sometimes quite quickly... today i found out that i'm going to berlin in january. see? i KNEW another opportunity would come along. and mid-january is much better timing than in december before we move and in the midst of christmas busyness. plus, i'm going for a meeting that will interest me more than the other one.

our upcoming move is really inspiring and invigorating me in ways i have not felt in years. when i lay in bed at night or when i'm driving in the car i'm mentally going around rooms in the maxipad and imagining where they will belong at "the exile". that's right, the working title of "the twoplex" has been replaced with the official title of "the exile on main street" - a gentle nod to the rolling stones :) (thank you boys...) anyways, i'm already quite pleased with my mental home decorating. i'm trying to make the best use of space while not overcrowding the place. i'm hoping that a well arranged home will help reduce my mess - fewer places to pile stuff means fewer piles of stuff, right?

before san diego i was developing a cold. i used some cold medication that helped it go away without developing into anything real. but starting yesterday i've had a scratchy cough. maybe it's not gone after all.

ramble in the roots.

strike three

2011-10-26T09:54:00.001-04:00

well... it's official... my trip to berlin has been cancelled. that's ok, i'm not sad. i'm moving that week so it's better to be in this country rather than another country. another reason why i'm not sad is because i'm certain i'll some day get another opportunity. this is the 3rd or 4th time a trip to berlin has come up, then be cancelled.

stay and the night would be enough.

predictable

2011-10-26T08:30:00.001-04:00

ah-ha! after doing some digging about top gun on wikipedia, i've discovered...

1) the producers WERE approached to do a sequel in 2010 but they turned it down saying they'd rather do a new movie instead of a remake.

2) the original film is going to be re-released in 2012 after being converted into 3D.

she's lost that loving feeling.

dial

2011-10-25T12:55:00.001-04:00

when joanne moved to ottawa, a group of knitters and crocheters from next worked together to make her a lovely blanket to remember us by. i found that project fun and quite easy to do, so i decided to knit something similar for brendan's nana for christmas. things are coming along quite well, although i'm afraid i may run out of yarn. i'm considering learning to crochet so that i can save yarn and mix scraps of yarn. this 'learning to crochet' thing feels like a bigger step that it should. i feel a little like i'm turning my back on my knitting roots. which is silly. i can do both, may people do. i looked up some directions for making a granny square and it looks pretty simple. i'll continue with my knitting til i reach 10 squares then will probably make the next 10 by crochet.

i surprised myself last evening by doing some housework before sitting down to watch top gun (my pick - also surprising). when i grocery shopped i decided to bring home 2 boxes. i've decided to bring home 2 each week with the intention of packing both boxes before grocery shopping the following week. this way i can start making progress early. i packed the unused contents of our bathroom cupboards and was plesantly surprised by how much i simply threw out. this will be a great opportunity to purge the things i haven't used over the last few years. while i was at it i also cleaned the bathroom. good stuff :)

top gun is an odd movie. while i was watching it alone (brendan was out with his brother) i was struck by the fact that it was released when the states (to my knowledge) was not involved in active combat. it's such a testosterone filled film that i'd expect it to have been released when they were hoping to recruite more soliders. part of me wouldn't be surprised if they released a sequel in the coming years. that being said, i almost wonder if it would have the same kind of appeal if it was released today. it seems that male protagonists in films these days are quirky underachievers or gritty rebels/con men. i don't think the young clean maverick of top gun who ruffled feathers by knowing his limits and taking calculated - yet seemingly safe - risks would capture today's audience.

i told our neighbour ruth last night that we bought a house and will be moving in december. i'd been dreading that since they're great neighbours and i don't relish the thought of not sharing a block with them anymore. she was disappointed but understanding. she said she knew it wouldn't last forever. b and i were talking to rod the realtor outside our house a few weeks ago when ruth's family returned home and they wondered if we were in the process of buying a house. at least it didn't come as a surprise. she did say "i'm sure you'll enjoy having a shower you can stand up in!" which made me laugh. the sit-down shower of the maxi pad is not something i'll miss :p it's those types of conversations that make moving bittersweet. more sweet than bitter, but still hard.

i remember when we used to sit...

domain

2011-10-24T14:27:00.001-04:00

sorry to leave you hanging. i returned to ktown just after midnight thursday night (so i suppose that means friday morning). on the whole, i enjoyed the trip and found it to be a positive experience. i went to work the next morning, and since then feel like i'm operating more and more in zombie mode. i'm pretty worn and lethargic today - mentally stuck between wanting to tidy my house and wanting to lie on the couch doing nothing. my hope is that if i rest this evening i'll get some housework done tomorrow.

the weather is colder here and i miss my early morning swims. it's weird traveling without b. it made coming home more tricky than i expected. partly because i was all jet-lag cranky and he wasn't, and partly because he'd gotten into the groove of me being away and it felt (to me) like i was interrupting his new rhythm. so it was an adjustment for both of us.

i haven't had a good cup of tea in several weeks. i don't know what's wrong with my palette. they all just taste bland. *sip* no flavour, i'm telling you!

in less than two months we'll be moved into our new digs. which is very exciting. we picked out colour swatches on saturday and looked at backsplashes. the upstairs unit needs some work done, but it is eligible for a grant from the CMHC. i gave them a call, they asked some preliminary questions and are now sending us an application in the mail. it's both exciting and surprising to find ourselves homeowners AND landlords all at once. yesterday we popped into an open house on our street and ended up concluding that we like our place much more. i feel really good about our decision. it is just a little place, but less space means less stuff :) i'm really looking forward to this new step.

nancy taught me out to listen to audio books from the library online. but i'm getting a security upgrade error message and can't get it to work. it's very annoying :S

from the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper's keep.

slingshot

2011-10-18T20:54:00.001-04:00

i'm currently waiting for the sun to come up so i can go swimming. i was also told that there are some seals along the ocean shore so i'll probably walk down there as well.

after a sunday full of people, monday had room for more alone time. it was a relief. in the afternoon i went out to the hot tub and just sat there, not thinking, not talking, not reading. just sitting. i didn't have the mental ability to do anything but sit.

**several hours later**

i had a fantastic time in the pool this morning. it's a great way to start a day. i didn't see any seals sadly, but marilyn and i will go out tomorrow because we have some free time then.

i've been pretty effective with networking and am enjoying getting to know colleagues from different sites. it's interesting seeing cultural differences between canadians and americans. growing up i thought our two countries were very similar but the older i get i see our differences. at the opening session yesterday the one speaker referred to us as "the more liberal canada". i liked hearing that.

it's nice having my room freshened up each day by a maid. i felt kind of badly today because my room was messy and i'd left underwear on the floor. no doubt they see some embarrassing stuff as maids.

the light is softly low as our hearts become sweetly untied.

hornblower

2011-10-17T09:10:00.001-04:00

things are very busy here. yesterday i enjoyed a delightful swim in the pool first thing in the morning, but after that it was go go go for the entire day. i'm afraid that being around so many people all the time is going to eventually wear me down. i find it especially difficult to hangout socially with my 50-something colleagues. i don't mind having meals together, but standing around talking while they knock back drinks until midnight is not how i want to spend my time. they like to give people (especially younger people) a hard time if they can't keep up with them. needless to say that's annoying because it's not that i can't, it's that i don't want to. i'm really hoping to have this evening to just hang out alone to re-energize. i'm going to try to explain to them that i function at my best when i get enough time by myself. not sure if that will make sense to them, but i want to articulate that me spending them evening in is more a matter of necessity than anything else. i suppose i'd be able to spend time watching them drink if i wasn't craving some alone time. i'm definitely in the minority in this regard.

oh will you take me as i am?

fossil

2011-10-16T11:00:00.000-04:00

i'm writing to you from san diego california!

i'm pretty excited to be here. local time is 7:26 am.

i flew with marilyn. on our way here we stopped in chicago. it was a really lovely city to see from overhead. all the neighbourhoods are set up diagonally and there are big mature trees filling the whole city. i liked that there were also so many baseball diamonds. we were there for 2 hours. i picked up a book (that i've been looking for for a long time) and a chicago magnet at the airport and am high way thru the book already!

the flights were fine, only they didn't feed us at all (we ate well at the airport though). we flew over the rockies which was really beautiful. i think mountains are my favourite things to see from a plan. it was around 5:30 when we arrived in san diego. it was also a really beautiful city to see from above. so hilly and neighbourhoods and areas are built up into the hills, it's pretty neat. it wasn't hot when we arrived, but i did read that it gets chilly in the evening. i think it's going up to 21 C today. i'm planning on going swimming in the beautiful outdoor pool after i'm finished here.

so, you might be wondering... "what are you doing there anyways?" well i'll tell you. i'm at a conference and exhibition. bbd will have a booth about its train to plane solutions, and we're having a customer event on tuesday evening. i'm excited because i've been designing all the booth graphics for the last 8 years and it will be neat to see what the finishe product looks like in real life and to have a better idea of how things work. it's also a great opportunity for me to get to know colleagues from different cities. last night marilyn and i went out for drinks and dinner with 3 people from pittsburgh. it was really fun. we went to this italian restaurant that serves homemade pasta - SO GOOD! it was quite possibly the best pasta i've ever had. delicious! unfortunately that was at 9:00 here time, and 12:00 home time. to be honest, i'm not feeling quite so "bikini body" this morning for swimming. it's going to be challenging to monitor my eating while i'm here. i should've brought some rice cakes :S

our hotel is very lovely. the bathroom is great and i enjoyed lying in my comfortable sheets watching my big screen tv last night. i tried to stay up to a regular time so i wouldn't wake at 4 but it didn't work.

last night on the way home from the restaurant we stopped at a 24-hour grocery store. i bought some chapstick because my lips always dry out when i travel and i left mine at home. (that reminds me, i also left my toothbrush. i packed it but then took it out to use it and must have forgotten to repack it. i'll ask for one at reception, they usually keep things like that in stock) i handed over my american change and it turns out there were a few canadian coins (4 pennies 1 dime) and the woman refused to take them. we regularly use american change at home if it gets in the mix. how weird! she said to me "these are canadian", so i said "sorry about that, i'm canadian".

i'm looking forward to exploring a bit more. apparently our hotel is right on the ocean. on the way here in the taxi we passed the marina and i saw a massive naval ship the size of a large city block with planes and helicopters on it. it was surreal.

when i flew into chicago i had sufjan stevens stuck in my head. and we arrived in san diego i had pedro the lion.

arizona curled up with california, then she tried to hide the whole thing from new mexico.

forgot

2011-10-14T22:45:00.001-04:00

i'm leaving for san diego first thing in the morning so i only have time for a short short note.

everything went well with the house and we reached an agreement. we signed the paperwork on brendan's birthday! we take possession on december 16 and we move in on MY birthday – december 17 :)

i took the day off work yesterday and surprised brendan with a fun birthday adventure. i'll tell you about it soon.

someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me.

galvanized

2011-10-12T15:45:00.001-04:00

well... the deal may still fall thru! we're putting in a revised offer based on the home inspection and it doesn't seem likely that they'll go for it. i feel ok about this. i'll be disappointed but i don't have all my hopes invested in this spot. it might actually be more annoying than anything else. BUT stranger things have happened and i feel our counter is very reasonable.

sees them off with a small kiss.

zurbarans

2011-10-11T16:28:00.001-04:00

thanksgiving is one of the best times of the year for many reasons. i really dig that it's a time set aside to thankfulness. being thankful is pretty underrated these days and i have the impression that it's not a holiday that would be implimented nowadays. i think that's why i felt especially grateful for thanksgiving this year. we visited beck at her cottage, ate turkey with my family, ate turkey with my in-law family. i baked two birthday cakes and ate leftover cake for breakfast. it was pretty super.

in the story of brendan and lesley buying 79 main street, i feel that this evening is the climax. the home inspection will either result in the final stamp of approval or it will pull the plug on this whole experience. it should be interesting. we've invited our clan to come check out the place. b and i often go by and peak in the windows of the unoccupied main floor. no one lives there so we visit and plan a little bit. i'm often surprised by how small the place is. i really love it and feel that the size isn't a problem, but i do feel little self-conscious about what other people think. obviously i want others to like it and feel excited for us. but just like with all things in the before stage - everyone is more likely to give their honest opinion before you've commited to something, afterwards they're more polite and simply accept whatever you've decided.

sometimes when i lie in bed at night i think about how we'll arrange the rooms and what layout will provide both the best use of space and the best feeling of home. i'm bringing my measuring tape tonight so i can take home specific specs to aid with my daydreaming.

saturday i leave for san diego. i'm pretty psyched about that. i hope i don't feel homesick. it's just for 5 days and i'll have a lot to do. this is a great step for me professionally and i hope i rise to the new challenge with ease.

bren always says that if you make your need known it will somehow be filled. at book club last week i was sharing about my desire to get a used sewing machine so i can practice slowly become a passable seamstress. only a matter of days later rach, while visiting her inlaws, came across an old sewing machine equiped with classic desk that was free for the taking, and she offered it to me. so i will soon have my own sewing machine and hope to find easy and simple sewing tasks to develop some sew legs :) i have a small sewing project in mind for a christmas gift so the timing of this gift could not be better. jill tells me that sewing is just the kind of thing that takes practise, so i will commit to learning to walk before i can run. i'm sure that by setting the bar low for myself i'll gradually get better :)

fall is coming soon, a new year for the moon.

day

2011-10-06T16:24:00.000-04:00

i like bon iver. he reminds me of a boy version of tegan & sara.

i'm not naturally a very organized person. i feel at my best when i'm organized (prepared, ready, well and at ease), but it's not my default behaviour. sometimes when i'm thinking ahead b will say to me "you're going to make a great mom some day", which makes me smile because i've never thought of myself as particularly maternal. he thinks our relationship, the permanentness of it has triggered my maternal instinct. he might be right for all i know. anyways, despite my disorderly natural, i seem to be maturing into someone who is organized. i gather that its a learned skill - like cooking or accident prevention. there's a lot of house details that i need to collect all together and avoid losing. for the sake of my mental health i've developed a paper trail so whatever i need is easily accessible. downloading my mental tasks onto bits of paper is soothing.

there was a fire drill this afternoon. while everyone grabbed their coats and headed outside, i took a few extra minutes to get myself a cup of tea. i was beautiful outside. that short afternoon recess was exactly what i needed.

i'm easily jarred by unexpected things.

at once I knew I was not magnificent.

legible

2011-10-04T13:33:00.001-04:00

our offer has been accepted!

we've reached a tentative deal with the owners of 79 Main Street. it's a newly renovated 85ish year old home, which was converted into a duplex. each unit has 2 bedrooms and storage space in the full-height basement. we have until october 14 to finalize our finances and to have a home inspection. this will be a great starter home for us :)

i'm hoping that when we do the home inspection our families will be able to come and that i can do a bunch of measurements - things like closet space, height of cabinets width of hallway, etc. things not included on the specs. we're pretty excited. brendan was actually really blown away when we got the news. i think he was storing things under the surface more than i realized.

some day we'll come up with a fun and applicable name for the main street house, but until then... the working title will be "the twoplex".

at arm's length
i will hold you there.

my so-called lice

2011-10-03T15:49:00.002-04:00

john and joanne's wedding was a fun celebration. i think the main highlight for me was the group of friends we spent the day with. a gang of 12 nexters filled two pews and two tables. we were the rowdy guests, cheering and applauding at every and any opportunity. in the ceremony brendan and jase performed 'sigh no more' during the signing of the registry. i was a little bit nervous since they hadn't practised together in advance but being freakishly talented musicians it worked out perfectly. one of the more memoriable moments of the evening was when jase paid me one dollar to eat cat food at the table. i did it am now one dollar richer :) j+j make a great couple. it's a shame they now live in ottawa because they would've enriched our lives greatly. i would love to see them grow and change thru this experience. i'm hoping that they'll eventually move back to town.

with things looking promising with the house on main street, i happened upon a website about landlords in ontario. it was rather unsettling to read that duplexes are wolves in sheeps clothing and that landlords have no rights. i was already getting the impression that landlords had no rights, so that part didn't surprise me. it's our desire to rent to people we know (ideally friends) and to be able to enjoy a shared living situation. in theory it should be any more challenging than having housemates. that being said, we don't know what the future holds and it would be prudent to be cautious and mindful about any prospective new upstairs neighbours.

we should hear back from the owners today or tomorrow if we've got a deal. then we have until the 14th to fulfill the conditions. it would be funny if everything is finalized on brendan's birthday since right now the plan is to move on my birthday.

it turns out one of the owners' last name is mcknight. funny coincidence. i don't have any family locally, so i don't think we're related, but it's still funny.

we won't stop running 'til we get to the lights.

*****************************************
ADENDIUM:
i just found a website called www.iboughtaduplex.com that gave a much better review of duplex living. i think the previous site i came across was written by a very pessimistic person, while this person is more light-hearted and shares our mindset. if nothing else, this experience has taught me that real estate boils down to personal opinion.

butterflies

2011-09-30T15:27:00.001-04:00

things continue with this house business, and looks promising. i once bought a house but then backed out of it after the home inspection. i remember it being a very fraught time in my life. i don't know if i'm using that word in context. fraught. it was back in 2005, shortly after i first started pspd. i remember having my ear bent for a lot of opinions on the matter. it seems to be one of those issues that people have a lot of opinions about, and while pretty much everyone agrees that real estate is a good investment there's still a lot of advise that can be thrown at a young home buyer. it can be a lot to take in. the thing about this that differs from other things that people share opinions about is that finances seem to be an extremely personal thing. like naked personal. whenever we've spoken with financial advisors we've always left feeling exposed. people hide their finances the way they hide parts of their bodies.

there's a fixed vs variable debate taking place on my facebook profile at the moment. it's a lot harder to sift thru that i thought it would be. it's pretty much split 50-50 and everyone seems to be of the perspective that they're in the best option. at this point we've come to the conclusion that we need to pick the one that makes the most sense to us. there's downsides to both and upsides to both. when we decide i think i'd rather not tell anyone which we picked because it's not really a competition - we're not picking teams and there is no right or wrong. what's most important is that b and i find something we agree on and that we're happy with our choice.

i'm hoping things with the house will be firmed up before we head out of town for jo's wedding in ottawa. our dear friend joanne is getting married and i'm looking forward to celebrating with her and her groom. things change quickly. it feels like not long ago that jo was single, and now she's getting married. it's always nice to be reminded that things can change in exciting ways really quickly.

at arm's lengths
i will hold you there

español

2011-09-29T16:41:00.001-04:00

it has been a roller coaster of a week. that being said, i've been trying to remain positive (albeit i fail miserably sometimes). yesterday i thoroughly enjoyed the rain. it was soothing.

we put an offer in on a house. the offer is for what we believe the house to be worth, however it's significantly lower than the asking price so it's unlikely that they'll accept it. it's my hope that they'll come down far enough that we can come to an agreement. it's funny because while i've been all upset and discouraged, brendan has been all happy and excited about the possibilities. this may be our biggest personality differences, and it was a challenge to let each other feel how they feel. things have normalized which i'm glad about. it turns out i have a killer credit rating, which was nice to hear. i'm careful with my finances so it's reassuring to hear i've done well and it'll pay off.

this morning i accidentally slashed my finger open with an exato knife. i was trying to remove the button from a pair of pants so i could re-sew it in a more comfortable position. it's tricky typing with a band-aid on.

have you ever heard of the true colours personality profile? i hadn't. it was part of one of b's clases yesterday and he came home to tell me "you're such a green". apparently that means that i'm a person who values competence - which is true. i don't know if i desire anything more for myself than to be capable. brendan's a blue. i like personality profiles. i learn a lot about myself and others - often it's things i know already but just needed someone to put it into words for me to understand it.

i came to your window,
threw a stone and waited.

mezzanine

2011-09-27T14:17:00.002-04:00

much of last night was taken up with talk about mortgages, property lines, renovations, and house prices. it's beginning to look as though this house idea was just another blip on the radar that will soon disappear. after researching the house's value, we've come up with an offer that i'm fairly certain will be rejected without much consideration. that's ok. this has been a good trial-run. it makes me wonder how many times i will almost by a house before actually doing it. it makes me feel a little frustrated that i was right before when i concluded we weren't in the position to buy. frustrated may not be the right word, because it's truly by choice. we are happy with how we have our finances divided up. we want to only buy a house if it means our committments/lifestyle doesn't have to change. or at least if we did, it would have to be something remarkable and not just something that's 'good enough'. discouraged. discouraged is probably the right word.

for the sake of my future self, i will jot down some things i want in a house:
- good location
- good price
- 2 to 3 bedrooms
- an eat-in kitchen (or dinning room large enough for a farmer table)
- a front porch
- hard wood floors
- a shed
- some kind of foyer
- ample storage space
- a driveway
- a backyard with room for a big garden and a laundry line
- laundry facilities
- barber shop flooring in kitchen and/or bathroom
- white-painted trim and doors

at this point i don't have a lot of hope that we'll find something like that.

all that i hoped would change within me stayed.

main

2011-09-26T08:45:00.000-04:00

t'is the season for apple picking, and that's what we did. the oldings and us went out to wyn farms and picked a half-bushel each. many of the apples were speckled with black stuff. tim was pretty picky about the quality of apple, and brendan was less picky but picked less. i'm glad it's fall and my food-pollen allergies have subsided for yet another year. these apples ARE delicious.

my head has been pretty jam packed for the last few days. brendan and i have been tossing around the idea of house-buying which is a big consideration with many pros and cons. as a result it's been difficult to think or talk about anything else. in considering a move, my thoughts turned to "the maxi pad" - where i've been living for 5+ years. it began to drag me down until i reached the point of crying a little bit. i felt better after my cry, which is good, but i wonder about my attachment to my home. i don't really understand why i feel so connected, that it would hurt or make me cry to think about leaving. in many ways the maxi pad was my coming of age home. which is important, but it's also healthy to move on i think. i love my balcony so much that it makes me wonder if i love it too much. i've kind of concluded that attachment is connected to a sense of belonging. i feel truly at home in my home, which is something i didn't always feel. it took me some time to feel that the maxi pad was mine. all this to say, is that it feels like moving, or the thought of moving, is quite similar to a break-up. i have to permanently part ways with it in order to move on. it stinks because my heart wants both things - again like a break-up. thankfully, just as in relationships, after my cry this weekend i feel more reconciled. i feel more mended, more ready to let go. a little bit more over it than i was, which is good. even if we end up deciding to not move any time soon, i feel that i've made an important step forward. i'm not holding on quite so tightly.

living room entered it's seventh season this year - which is nutts! it's hard to imagine that we've been meeting together and talking about elements of faith for so many years. it was a good start to the season, a good mix of different folks from different places and stations. i felt encouraged, that this will be a challenging and growing experience for us collectively.

we returned the dtv converter. andrew and shannon told us they don't work in kingston, that's why it didn't work properly. after our compromise of buying it, we were both happy about returning it. it's nice being on the same page again.

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

flummox

2011-09-20T16:26:00.001-04:00

in the wake of last week's conversation with b about feeling at home in my space, and me not being able to watch tv on his computer anymore, we came to the conclusion (or more likely a poor compromise) that i would get a dtv converter box. that debate felt more like a lose-lose situation than a conclusion. as i tried to hook it up to our aged television, it did not go smoothly and i lamented how nothing ever goes straightforward for me. it ended up locating two channels and they didn't come in properly (or at all really), so i decided to quit for the rest of the evening. it would've been nice for it to work out, instead of be finicky because at least it would feel like some progress was made. this way we both felt disappointed, and neither of us are happy. i suppose that's the definition of compromise.

at best buy there was a line-up of folks, boy-men, camped out outside for a video game being released at midnight. i've never seen anything like that in my life before.

over the weekend we did an activity where we found a picture from a magazine that we felt reflected ourselves right now. later we were told to find another picture that represents who we want to be. i selected a cut out of a blond girl with straight long hair roughly around my age (it turns out it was sarah polley, but that wasn't immediately apparent since the top part of her face was folded over). i chose this image because i felt like it represents who i am as a girl. just a girl - plain and simple. a bit non-descript. the other was an image of a middle-aged black woman with her head thrown back in laughter. her laughing position is what drew me to her, but when i looked more closely i saw her confidence and liberty. she seemed to be self-assured and unaffected by how others view her, undisturbed by what others may think or how others may live. she's not rushed, she's not burdened. a number of people told me that they already see me as the second women, which is good and i take that to mean i'm on the right path. but my inner self is significantly less free than the laughing woman. i get too rattled by my surroundings and in general feel a lot less peace that i'd like to. i thought at first that i want to be ok with other people's choices, but i wonder now if it's actually that i want to be ok with my own. to be able to have others in my home without feeling embarrassed of clutter or visible mess. to be able to hear a different perspective and not feel defensive or angry. to speak up and be ok with being the only one who sees life thru my own private kalidoscope. to be the black woman in a white society without feeling alienated or in danger. it's one thing to love and accept who you are, and another to still love and accept yourself when you're surrounded. i know i have a long way to go, but the woman was a lot older than me, so i won't be too hard on myself for not being there quite yet.

after all is said and after all is done
God only knows which of them i'll become.

mini

2011-09-19T21:50:00.001-04:00

it turned out to be a fantastic weekend. i really enjoyed spending time with everyone, getting the chance to connect and get better acquainted. it's fun cooking and eating together. doing chores and standing in the fire pit :) there was a talent show on saturday night and i showed several pictures that i'd worked on at work. other 'acts' ranged from musical performances to hammering to balancing to whistling to juggling. it was quite the event.

b and i camped in our little pup tent. it was cold but our sleeping bags were warm. i found i was quite comfortable aside from my face, which was rather chilly.

i really did have a fantastic weekend which was nice. i felt a bit lost upon returning home without my knitting/chatting buddies.

my family swung by shortly after we got home. they were visiting the fair and parked outside our pad. when the kids came up to visit the kitties they explored around our house even though they'd been here before. as joelle came out of our bedroom she said to me "where's uncle brendan's room?" i told her that we share a room, which surprised her because it's so small. she makes me laugh.

i had an important doctor's appointment today, and was pleased to be informed that all is well. it's nothing serious with long-term effects and can be managed with over-the-counter meds. it's been a long process but one that challenged and provoked me to consider possibilities and how life could unfold. i think i learned a lot as a result. it's good to reach the end and receive good news.

the borrower's debt is the only regret of my youth.

spot

2011-09-16T15:08:00.001-04:00

adjusting to brendan being in school is beginning to be a challenge. things are great for him, and i'm very happy for him and pleased. for me, i get to experience change without all the positive perks. last night i felt sequestered in my room - unable to watch tv on his computer (because it was in use - mine is too slow for tv online), play music (loud and distracting), watch a movie, and we don't have a dtv converter so our bunny ears no longer work. besides b was studying in the living room, so i wouldn't be able to watch tv anyways. it felt a little like being single again but without the room to move in my own space. after a few hours of me struggling to express my feelings of boredom and loneliness, b and i managed to have a very productive conversation about it. it didn't occur to him that this change will be difficult in any way. at least not for me. i'm sure it will take some time to figure out our new dynamics. i'll soon have plenty to do and will be enjoying a new routine.

storytellers started up again this week. it was great sitting around rach's big table once again with friends. reading and writing together.

this weekend we're going away for a church retreat. all of next is taking off to echo lake camp. last time there wasn't a lot of accomodations, so we're going to stay in our little pup tent. that should be fun. i hope it's warm enough! i look forward to camping again. the idea of spending the whole weekend with people is a little overwhelming, and i hope that i'll have enough peaceful low-key time. i'm sure having our own tent/private space will help. there's going to be a talent show tomorrow evening. being a person without performing talents i decided to show some before and after pics i've created. i've turned it into a bit of a game, that i'm sure even the kids will excel at. i'm pleased about that. the funny thing is that as i thought about explaining what i do, i realized i could go on and on about it for quite a long time. but i'll try to keep it short. we have the whole weekend for those interested in ask me more about it.

so now i am older,

than my mother and father,

when they had their daughter,

now what does that say about me.

claim

2011-09-14T14:48:00.001-04:00

according to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy the answer is 42 :) i saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "do you know where your towel is?" and it made me very happy.

the book 'reading lolita in tehran' is the memoir of a literature professor in iran during the revolutionary years between the late 70s to mid 90s. she's struggled to find a place of belonging and purpose in a society that has deemed her "irrelevant". it's interesting reading her thoughts on intellectuals. having never been to university, i've never thought of myself as an intellectual. i'm not a particularly educated person, but what she's been saying, especially as one who has been expelled from her job for refusing to wear a veil, is helping me to understand that intellectual is not actually the same as being an academic. one can be an academic without being an intellectual, and vise versa. that being said, after giving it some thought i've found that it's neither here nor there. what's important, what makes a person truly learned or insightful it not the ability to answer all the hard questions, but rather the ability to ask all the right questions. whether politics, or world issues, interpersonal relationships or personal reflection, one needs to know what the key questions are to really find out the answer. what alarms me is when people don't bother to even consider what questions are pertinent. i feel like the world would be a different place if people stopped to thinking about the questions.

it seems that my weight-loss has reached a standstill or at least a slow crawl, which is ok. i haven't been monitoring my intake that closely these days and i seem to be remaining at a healthy and comfortable size. i'm content with that. my mid-year resolution has been a bit tricky since returning from vacation. i hadn't fully gotten the hang of my new routine before we went away and i've since fallen off the wagon. when i fall off the cleaning wagon it usually takes me a long while to get upright again. but i will soon enough.

remember when you had me cut your hair?
call me 'delilah' then, i wouldn't care.

garden

2011-09-13T15:00:00.001-04:00

she hasn't spoken to me in two and a half years. two years? is that right?... yes... two and a half years.

i don't think she'd recognize me if she saw me today. my person, not my physical self. perhaps the same is true of her as well - that i wouldn't know her at all. and that it would be like starting over. only there's no starting, only over. it's funny that in this half-half decade (i suppose the correct term is quarter decade) i have not bumped into her in this small city. well, we've passed on the street once or twice, but we haven't exchanged words at all. that being said, if i know anything about coincidental timing (irony? serendity?), i wouldn't be surprised if we will cross paths very soon now that i've made this statement. i wouldn't mind speaking with her, just getting up to speed a little. having some polite conversation in the grocery store aisle, but i suspect her resentment will never cease and my name will never be erased from her black list. there have been times when b has seen her, or thought he saw her around town. but they don't actually know each other, he just knows of her, so there's no telling if he saw her at all or if it was another.

sometimes it seems that i am a piece of stone, that is slowly being smoothed out - turning me into what i'm supposed to be. i believe it was michelango who used to say that his scupture existed inside the marble already and it was his job to uncover it. in a way i think that's what life is. we spend our days uncovering ourselves from the raw material so that we can fully expose the beauty of creation. a new area of myself is being uncovered. in the process of being smoothed out kindness has started to emerge. perhaps i was not unkind before, but kindness seems to be taking over my life in a very tangible way. i have a desire to be kind, a desire to have kind interactions. to speak kind words, and think kind thoughts. this is extremely new for me, and it's taking me by surprise, probably because it's happening without trying. in considering this i've realized that kindness is the predessor of love. i dig love. it's definitely something i value. but i'm struck by the reality that unless i'm kind, love is not expressed and it's not experienced. it's pretty much impossible to be kind without being loving. while in contrast to that i can think of oodles of instances where love is declared but is not followed by kindness. unlike love, it can't really be faked - either i'm kind or i'm not. i'm looking forward to exploring this more. i hope other rough spots are smoothed over in the process.

sim sala bim on your tongue.

valley

2011-09-12T13:27:00.001-04:00

i came across the question "what is beauty" the other day. this intrigued me since i could not come up with any kind of answer for quite some time. it's not that i can't think of things that are beautiful, but i couldn't identify how they earned that label. i've concluded that beauty is that which overwhelms me - an experience, an art form, a perspective, a formed thought, a moment. while it's true that people and nature can be beautiful, it's not they in themselves that make them so. just as everything else, it's the response they invoke in the beholder that causes them to fall into that category.

on friday evening sarah, rach and i piled into the butler's volvo and headed of to jordin's cottage. there's really nothing like talking in a car or talking around a campfire - as fate would have it,,, we had the pleasure of doing both. it was truly very lovely. we arrived home quite late, but in spite of that i felt quite full from rich conversation.

all the loose ends would surround me again.

heart-shape bite

2011-09-08T13:38:00.001-04:00

i lost a loaf of bread. i bought it at the grocery store on tuesday, and can't find it anywhere. this probably means that i accidentally left it at the grocery store when i was packing the bags. how annoying. it extra sucks because i paid for it fair and square.

you know how 17-year-old brendan planned to have kids and more guitars by age 30? well... on tuesday he bought another guitar, so he's one step closer. his new white fender strat has a maple neck and is mexican-made. when he started his job at startek we calculated he'd need X amount of money for school and the rest he could use to buy a new computer. that being said, he soon decided he'd prefer a new guitar than a bigger computer. he already had three - one red electric, one red resonator, one wood acoustic. they're all different kinds of guitars and all emit different sounds. while i don't understand why one would need two electrics, i don't mind that he's bought another one. it makes his face light up like nothing else. for a little while he was toying with not getting one, he questioned the use of money on something he doesn't technically need. however, i encouraged him to since now is the time for such kinds of purchases - when he's young and has limited financial obligations. on tuesday after his first day of school he took the bus to renaissance to order his very specific guitar only to arrive and discover they had the EXACT ONE available on the floor. he's been perfectly gleeful ever since.

the weather had turned quite cold, but i'm kind of happy about it. i'm ready for warmer clothes and breathing in cooler air. i'm ready for the change of pace and the shorter days. i don't usually feel that way about fall. which in itself a nice change. it was a good summer, it'll be a good autumn too.

what's my name, what's my station.

library

2011-09-06T14:11:00.001-04:00

*sigh*

i'm easily stressed out today. i'm not sure why. two things spring to mind and in both cases i know i'm going to disappoint people (which i hate doing) so i feel anxious about how i'm going to handle each situation. i'm sure neither are a big deal, but i haven't been able to shake it.

brendan and shanno start school today. i'm looking forward to hearing about how it went. classes start tomorrow, today is just an orientation. i printed out a copy of b's schedule and colour coded each class so i can "follow along at home". part of me wants a copy of shanno's schedule too :p i'm excited for them.

nancy and gerry bought a trailor at a park near mallorytown. on saturday we took a drive out there and spent the day with them. we had a lovely time, although i wasn't feeling great. i got clothes-lined by maisie's leash on my achilles heel, then almost immediately after twisted my other ankle on the stairs. for some reason the twisted ankle made me dizzy and nausiated, i was seeing purple spots and had to lie down. it took the rest of the day to feel normal again.

sunday brought us a family reunion with brendan's uncle's family. i'd never met them before, because the two families are not close, but they were in town for nana's birthday. it went better than expected and i quite enjoyed myself. they were more normal and down to earth than some members of my extended family. ben & meg managed to make it and every just cooed over audrey - it would be hard not to!

since we returned from camping, our back porch has been in complete chaos. to be fair, it wasn't that tidy before we went to bon echo. there was still supplies and items from our wedding that were waiting to be dealt with and put away. thankfully, since we were both at home we managed to tackle it and it really didn't take too long. that was a nice change since we haven't been able to tackle home organization together for months because brendan worked weekends. it's nice having him around again. to treat ourselves we orded a pizza for dinner :) when going thru some boxes, brendan found an old assignment he did in philosophy class. the teacher had them answer a bunch of answers then sealed the envelop and said they couldn't open it until 2011. we were pretty excited to discover it could be opened now, so we sat down to read what he'd written. it was pretty funny stuff - the contents of a 17 year olds brain. it was also very enlightening how he'd changed so much. back then he valued money and music above all else. now he values people/relationships and simple living. my favourite part was the "in 5, 10, 15 years i hope to be..." section. it made me laugh that he expected to meet his future life-partner in a grocery store. hahahahaha. by age thirty he thought he'd have kids and more guitars. hahahahahaha. i found the whole thing surprising and hilarious. brendan found it disappointing and poorly written. his answers were pretty self-indulgent and not as well thought out as teenager-brendan thought they were.

remember how i was telling you about my ambitions to go boot shopping?? well i found a pair! i looked at 7-8 stores at the mall and the riocan centre. these boots were at the second store i visited. they were exactly what i was looking for, and the cheapest too! i'm very pleased with myself. here they are. mine are chocolate brown. even though they were on sale, they were still significantly more than i planned on spending. brendan and i abide by a set budget that includes weekly spending money (i usually refer to this as my allowance). it's basically money ear-marked for general fun spending - restaurants, movies, clothing, books, music, concerts, etc etc. it's a pretty great system. it's nice having spending money built into our budget, it means no guilty spending! the reality is when we get to the end of our allowance that's it for that week. so i didn't want to blow my entire allowance, and then some, on my boots. so i've developed a payment plan for myself. for the next 3 weeks i will pay $22.50 towards my boots, which means i still have the rest of my money for other spending. this week we went to see the help and ordered that pizza. excellent! i'm quite pleased, it's a win-win situation.

love is the coal
that makes this train roll.

cloves

2011-09-02T08:53:00.001-04:00

cooking is not something i'm particularly comfortable with, but brendan tells me that i'm a good cook. i've never been much of a foody, but it seems i'm turning into one. while this is taking place, i'm simultaneously becoming more interested in clothes. i've always felt that clothes are an important part of self-expression, but i didn't really pay that much attention to "fashion" (for lack of a better word). but this summer i've been enjoying the different variety of clothes i've been wearing, and the extra items i've picked up at value village and the freedom sale. with both clothing and food, i'm discovering that when it tastes good, or is comfortable and flattering, both are really quite enjoyable and change my experience. it's not even that hard. it just takes a little creativity and a little forethought.

today i'm excited because i have alfalfa sprouts on my egg salad sandwich (still really digging the sandwich lunch!). and after work (fingers crossed!) i'm going on a hunt for some inexpensive low-heel, knee-high boots for work and general outings. i'm a thrifty person, so i know it will be challenging to find a boot that i like and is inexpensive. i was looking online last night and found an awesome pair for $270 - which i couldn't bring myself to spend on a pair of boots even if i had that kind of spare money. both rach and jill found great boots at value village (oddly enough, they're actually identical boots, only bought at separate times and one pair is brown leather and the other pair is a greenish swade), i'm going to try there first but in my experience... it's almost impossible to find what you're looking for when you have something specific in mind.

last night we walked over to ben and meg's place to have a visit with them and audrey. meg's mom was there, and we really enjoyed getting to know her better. audrey was super lovely as usual. so cute. she's so tiny and her little hands and feet are adorable. i'm feeling a little rusty, after all it's been a while since i held a baby so when she cried i didn't quite know what to do. but i suppose all babies are different and what soothes one doesn't necessarily soothe another, so being rusty or not doesn't really have anything to do with it. maybe it's just confidence, it's probably fair to say that i'm not particularly confident with babies - especially other people's. whenever i babysat i felt more comfortable when it was just me and the baby instead of me, the parents and the baby. i really enjoyed sitting next to her on the couch, meg's mom and i would ooh and aww over all her facial expressions. she's so sweet. like candy :)

lost for you
i'm so lost for
you.

bulldozer

2011-08-31T11:14:00.001-04:00

sometimes i'm influenced by other people's negativity. i think i wrote about this recently. the problem i'm currently struggling with is what if it's not just negativity, what if it's actually true. i feel the weight of her words, and i don't really disagree or anything i guess it's just i don't want to hear it - at least not in that tone or from that angle.

bren is a great example of speaking warmly. i've often witnessed her saying with a smile that her son is "a storyteller". it's made a big impression on me because in the cocoon i came out of the verbiage would've been much different, much harsher. i.e. "a liar".

i think the choice of words is coming from something deeper than simply being an optimist or a pessimist. it's not even a matter of perspective. it seems to me that it kind of comes from (excuse my word picture if you find it cheesy) an inner fountain. if your inner self, your fountain is bitter water - stale and toxic - that's what comes out of you - even if you're a optimist. and if the water in your inner fountain is clean, and pure, and unpolluted, than what comes out of you will be wholesome. it's health vs unhealth. not optimist vs pessimist.

at the moment i've been mildly polluted by some toxicity. it will take some time to flush it out of my system. that being said, i will try to encourage the process by trying to see clearly and lovingly at the situation. i'm not trying to look at it as a glass half full, but instead glass of clean water instead of glass of dirty gross water.

brendan's mouth is quite sore today. it sucks getting wisdom teeth out, but at least you only have to do it once. he made himself a peanut butter milk shake today from the paper of suggested recipes he was given. oh, that reminds me, i need to file his return or else we won't get our money back. the cost of teeth extraction has gone up in the last 8 years since i had mine out.

it's empty in the valley of your heart.

pass

2011-08-30T16:08:00.001-04:00

my slightly younger husband got his wisdom teeth out today. 3 of 4 actually since he had one out earlier this year. the poor fella is lying on the couch at his mom's place at the moment after having a reaction to the local anaesthetic. he keeps throwing up. as i spoke with nancy on the phone i could hear him in the background saying "i'm fine". hm, maybe he's still a little spaced out :p i'm thankful that nancy is a good caretaker and is available to help him out today.

SO... more about camping. we were pretty well prepared for the week. last summer we had two overnight camping trips, which really prepared us for our week long venture. the only thing we were missing that we could've used was a hatchet. b brought along his machete that he bought in the dominican republic during his two month stint there, and while it was very useful at times, it couldn't be used as an axe. we tried. we've been home 3 or 4 days now and i still crave my daily dose of roasted marshmallows every day. i could go for one right now actually. we became very skilled fire makers, and had them a-roaring within a minute or so. very nice.

we slept til about 9:30 or 10 most days, and early afternoon we'd head out for either a jaunt into northbrook or to hike the trails. on wednesday, in the grocery store we were browsing the newspapers covers. it took me several minutes of browsing (wasn't looking for anything in particular) when the words "the day after jack layton's death" caught my eye. i was shocked! i ran to brendan across the grocery store and told him the news. we were kind of baffled and mildly frustrated that the paper was a bit vague on the details - we couldn't figure out which day he'd actually died and it didn't say. we decided to purchase the paper and take it with us for a more in-depth read. very sad. very very sad. i'm sad for his wife and canada. and yet, i find the outcry at his death to be quite positive. a lot of people care about the issues he stood for, and that's encouraging. i don't think people are going to bail now, they want to see jack's dreams come to fruition.

on sunday i was rather grumpy and restless. i realize now that it's because i was between books, without an audio book, and i ran out of yarn for my knitting project (i've never run out of yarn knitting socks before. i think they short-yarned me. i should be able to get one sock out of one ball). thankfully i remembered the legwarmers i tried starting a few months ago, the pattern was really tricky, but i've figured it out and it's fantastic! and yesterday i picked up the da vinci code on cd, so i'm a happy lesley once again.

you desired my attention but denied my affections.

bundle

2011-08-29T16:40:00.001-04:00

we're home from camping!! actually we've been home since saturday. it's hard juggling 2 social media sites (pspd and facebook). i spent several hours uploading our summer photos onto facebook and adding captions. that sounds like a big endeavour but i honestly really enjoyed myself :) SO that means i didn't get around to making an appearance here.

camping was great. i loved it. there were a few skeptics who thought a week of camping was too much, and it made me wonder what we'd gotten ourselves into. but it was perfect, just what i needed. we stayed in hardwood hills campgrounds at bon echo. which is kind of like back country camping - deep in the woods. it was pretty empty, with very few other campers. in fact there was one night when there wasn't a single other camper in our section. that was neat but also a little creepy - it felt more noisy and there were more animals around that night. in spite of this, i really loved the reclusivity of it. on sunday it was rainy and the weather prospects were looking bleak. i didn't want to stay at home until it blew over. i figured if it was really bad we could stay at a motel that night. i just needed to get away from home. i love the maxi pad but there's always something that needs doing and i don't find it very relaxing on a holiday. so we headed out into the downpours, driving slowly on the highway, then north at the flying Js. however, around roblin we realized we'd left the bbq at home, so we had to turn around :S when we arrived home we grabbed the bbq and several other items that we forgot, and shoved it into the back of the car while massive raindrops fell on us. we got pretty soaked. the drive was much better and by the time we arrived at bon echo it was mostly just drizzly. we were able to get set up and make dinner, play scrabble then go to bed. the rest of the week was smooth sailing! but i'll tell you about it later.

all week long we called nancy to hear if megan had gone into labour yet. by friday it felt both more-likely and less-likely that anything had happened yet. BUT to our much delight we found out that our lovely new niece had arrived that afternoon :) we spent the rest of the evening thinking about her and talking about our excitement to go meet her. we packed up early on saturday and arrived back into town early afternoon. we went straight to the hospital to see her, ben and meg. she is just the sweetest sweetest thing. her name is audrey megan mclean :) she was so warm and both of us felt like we could just go on holding her and watching her little face all day. meg was doing well and ben was being a super helpful and already getting into dad mode with changing diapers :) it was a great conclusion to our vacation. usually coming home after holidays are kind of anti-climatic, but this time it was exciting to return home :) i feel super lucky to have yet another wonderful niece. and it's so neat to have a niece on the other side of our family. i think ben and meg will make fantastic parents and i look forward to watching audrey grow up.

you are the mother -
the mother of your baby child,
the one to whom you gave life.

pacifism

2011-08-20T22:44:00.001-04:00

it's been a full week, and as i type b and i are getting ready to go on our first week-long camping adventure. i'm looking forward to it. i think camping will be fun, and this kind of trip is new for me. but i'm also looking forward to it since it will be a nice break from regular life and responsibilities. we won't have any email access for the entire week, so it will be a nice holiday from modern technology as well. i need a break from routine. i recently dreamt that i faked my own death just so i could take a road trip to niagara falls.

i found out on friday that i get to take a business trip to san diego in october for 5 days. i'll be attending and supporting a trade show there. it will be a great growth opportunity for me professionally. this is in addition to my 10 days in berlin. i'm pretty psyched, even though b is less thrilled. i feel like the remainder of the year is going to whiz by with various activities filling the months.

have a great week! i'll be thinking of you.

lead my to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life.

sriracha

2011-08-17T14:14:00.001-04:00

i like that traditions are things that develop over time. to some extent they can be planned in advance, but for the most part the best traditions are those that come from natural origins.

so brendan's best bud has entered politics. at 23, robb is the new provincial green party candidate for the area, and we feel pretty darn proud of him. sure he's young, but he didn't enter this position lightly, and has been working with the green party for last few years - so he's very well informed. AND on top of all that, he's a super & smart guy. i read an article about in him the whig today. it was pleasant, and on the encouraging side of neutral. i was a little annoyed that it said that tuition fees is an issue close to robb's heart, since it implied that since he's young and directly impacted by it, it draws more of his attention. that's a false assumption. he's a well-rounded candidate and understand all the issues quite well. plus, i'm quite certain that the concern he has over tuition is not personal but rather a result of the exclusivity and how it impacts the broader picture. that being said, if robb specifically stated that tuition fees is an issue close to his heart than i take back my annoyance. as in my usual method of self-torture, i scrolled down and read the article comments. they were split down the middle between encouraging and spiteful. in fact, the very first commenter only said that he disagrees with everything robb stands for. which made me laugh out loud. how could someone possibly know EVERYTHING that another person stands for simply from reading a short 350 word article. brendan always tells me not to read the comment section of articles because they always upset me. he says anonymous comment sections are where the world goes to be mean. they're like verbal septic tanks. this time, i decided to comment in response. nancy is always saying that people would be less crule if they couldn't hide behind made up identities. so for the sake of being honest and transparent, upright and accountable i used my actual name. i have mixed feelings about this. stating any opinion leaves one open to attack, but you know... robb had an entire article written about him, and is entering a life of politics, so compared to that my online comments are a walk in the park.

today is brendan's last day of work at startek. while it feels like the last 8 months has flown by, it also feels like ages ago when we discussed the idea of him working at startek back in snowy january. i'm proud of him for what he's accomplished. for sticking with it even when it was not enjoyable, and for finding many things he did enjoy about working full time. in a lot of ways, no thanks to startek, i think it was a very changing experience for him.

sometimes it seems to me that humans are what ruins humanity.

you are not alone in this.

fly

2011-08-16T14:15:00.001-04:00

the cbc aired a news piece about pain recently. a study has shown that pain is more bearable when it's controlled by the individual instead of someone else (such as a nurse or doctor). they've found that when people feel they have a choice about when they are administered pain medication they can actually manage the pain for longer lengths of time - compared to when they have to wait for someone else to make that decision. i find that very intriging. i'm currently undergoing a lengthy process of being diagnosed with a condition that causes excessive pain around the time of my period each month. since i've discovered this concept - that i can manage my discomfort by exercising my own empowerment - i've found i'm able to diminish my pain enough that it's not crippling. it's still there, but less so. i'm not saying i don't sometimes need painkillers, it just means that i can better determine when they are necessary instead of feeling desperate for relief. mind over matter. i can soothe myself.

i suppose that concept could work for many things: hunger, sleep, boredom, heartache. in a way... this shouldn't be a surprising discovery. people thrive when they are empowered.

with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

naturalism

2011-08-15T12:04:00.001-04:00

for andrew's birthday shannon planned a party for him, but unfortunately since it's summer most people were away so we were just a small gathering. one of the highlights was that we were told to all dress up as andrew. i was quite pleased with my costume - it required more effort than brendan's, he just wore a plaid shirt and a tool belt. i wore airwalk shoes (andrew has a pair of black ones), some long shorts with brendan's boxers (there was a big hole in the bum of the shorts so i needed to wear the boxers so my bum wasn't exposed. i actually found a patch for the shorts and ironed it on on saturday). my orange shirt that has a funny slogan on it (andrew often wears shirts like that) with one of b's two plaid shirts. i wore my glasses, a toque and a sticker that said "hello my name is andrew". then to top it all off i drew on a soul patch. it was fun. and i felt dressing like a boy was pretty comfortable - PLUS it inspired shanno and i to be much stronger when we were moving around heavy long tables. funny how clothing changes our ability. no doubt if i was all dressed up fancy like i wouldn't want to move around tables, much less be strong enough.

bren has this great skill at finding really amazing sites and blogs then sending them to people who are interested. yesterday she sent me two. the first one was a blog entry written by a girl saying that she's done the whole pro-life thing, pro-gay rights, pro-women's rights, pro-peace, etc etc. and has found that it would often make her anti the opposite. which she doesn't like. so instead of being pro causes, she's now pro people. i like that. i like people. i value people. i believe that there is something redeemable in everyone, so being anti any people group doesn't work. i can be pro-people. i can rally for people and always keep their humanness as the focus of my cause.

anyways, the other link she sent was to this online photo article about how kids live in different parts of the world. it reminded me a little of the 'babies' documentary. these kinds of glimpses into how other people live is important. they give us perspective. they give us a dose of reality that we don't get often enough. check it out (click across the numbers at the top or the arrow button). the world is full of extremes. i was left once again longing for everyone to have enough.

at the moment, for some undetectable reason, b and i don't have a lot of money for extras these days. but we have enough :) we've been scaling back to what we need this week and sifting out our wants. it's a good practice from time to time. having limited spending money can be fun. it makes me appreciative and be more careful with how i spend my allowance. it made buying my mumford and sons album even more fun. plus, we made andrew's birthday gift instead of buying, which turned out to be extra fun since it was a challenge and we had to be creative.

you can understand dependence
when you know the maker's hand.

metamorphosis

2011-08-14T17:26:00.001-04:00

in a week we will be on vacation. being so close to holidays makes me worn, eager and anxious to take leave. i dreamt last week that i faked my own dealth so brendan and i could temporarily escape our reality and take a road trip. in the end we decided on driving down to niagara falls, but were ultimately found out and didn't get to go. it was an unsettling dream actually. one in a series of odd and unsettling dreams.

i'm finding that negativity tastes badly in my mouth these days, or rather my ears. i'm quite affected by negativity, it seeps into me and i can't shake it. it affects so much, because it's a perspective thing. two people can look at the same thing and one person can see something awful and the other can see something redemptive. i can't change other people's perspective, but i want to filter out negativity and speak out affirmation. there is always something worthwhile in everyone. *sigh* i think the key is to seek understanding. and when that fails... then to holding ones tongue.

this weekend, for the first time ever... i bought an album from itunes :D very exciting! bren teases me since i'm so old fashion, but i really like having cds! i listen to them at work on repeat til i'm ready to move on. but i concluded that i could burn it onto a cd. good compromise. anyways, so for my first album download i close mumford & sons. i've been wanting that album for a while. we sing many of those songs at next, so they hold some significance for me.

i struggle to find any truth in your lies.

pince-nez

2011-08-12T15:26:00.001-04:00

you know... there are times when i have all sorts of things to say but don't have the time.

then there are times like right now, when i want to write but have nothing to say. i'm not inspired in the slightest. i've got nothing. c'est la vie.

the beard is the handsomeness of the face,
and a wife is the joy in a man's heart.

peaches

2011-08-11T11:56:00.001-04:00

it seems that i've come full circle. i ate sandwiches every day from kindergarten to sometime in highschool. i grew to hate sandwiches, and have steered clear of them in the second half of my life. but unexpectedly i've started taking sandwiches to work again. i'm hesitant, i'm skeptical, which i guess is why i'm always careful to not eat the same kind every day or else i'll get grossed out and never want to see another sandwhich again. sometimes i use wraps, sometimes i use bread, sometimes i use english muffins. it's going very well, and my tummy seems to like it.

without intending to, the two books i'm currently reading (one reading, one listening to) are unexpectedly complimentary. which is odd, because i did not expect that a futuristic novel would parallel with a memoir from iran. 1984 and reading lolita in tehran are quite remarkable to read in sync. listening to 1984, the bleak tale is next to impossible for me to imagine ever happening. the sexual oppression. the arrests for next to no reason, the constant policing of people, the assigned clothing, the inhumane torture. and yet when i read about the lives of those in iran it's outragously similar. the reasons are different, but the treatment of citizens is the same. i suppose the two differences are that in 1984 they have telescreens and women are treated as equals. it makes me sad that dystopias actually exists.

never felt so foreign and free as before.

bookmarks

2011-08-10T09:08:00.001-04:00

ok so after the show concluded on saturday night we quickly took the car and got in line at the ferry. there was a fair amount of time to get on and we waited for about 20 minutes for the midnight ferry. however, when the ferry arrived it loaded only about 10 cars before closing up and heading to kingston. we were about 3 cars from the ramp and watched in confusion as the apparently empty ferry left the island. there were still swarms of people on foot standing around the ferry dock. something unusual was taking place. the area was speckled with police cars, and when one officer walked past i asked him what was going on. he told us that the ferry had reached it's max of 250 occupients (mostly on foot) which was why it appeared so empty. he also mentioned that an ambulance had boarded at some point and they are required to take it over to kingston immediately, and that had impacted the ferry schedule. so we waited for the ferry to arrive in kingston then return to the island. it wasn't til about 12:40 that it returned, this time we made it on, but many people on foot were stranded yet again. we made it home by 1:45. we were all exausted and felt terrible come morning. what a day. it's funny how concerts on islands seem to be broken up into two phases: the concert and the ferry ride home. beckie was lucky to make it on the 12:00 ferry. i was glad for that since she had to drive back to her cottage that night.

sunday saw the much awaited baby shower for meg. there was a good mix of folks, which included brendan's crazy aunts. they are funny ladies, who were very entertaining. nancy created a lovely spread of food, and meg received many lovely gifts. it won't be long now. she's due in 12 days, but if she's late it could be until september 8. hopefully she'll come sooner than later. b and i are very excited about the birth of our new niece. i'm super curious about what they're going to name her, but don't want to know until she's born. meg almost let it slip at the shower, which always makes me giggle. baby mclean is due the week we're on vacation. if she's born when we're away we'll drive down to meet her. i only have another week and a half til my holidays! i can't wait! i'm looking forward to camping.

when i arrived home from work last night it took me a little while to notice that brendan trimmed his beard. he's been growing it since we were in ireland and it's grown quite long. he'd decided to grow it til he starts school, but thought he should cut it before we go camping. i was quite excited to see his new shorter beard. it looks kind of fuzzy or something. i have to say... i've been quite surprised to discover that his face looks different. it's as though he's been aging slightly underneath his growing beard and now i get a glimpse at the change. he looks very handsome. whoa whoa!

i'm being haunted by the ghost of the dead mouse.

it's nothing but time and a face that you lose.

droop

2011-08-09T08:53:00.001-04:00

something gross happened this morning.

while walking thru our house shortly after i woke up, still mildly sleepy, i nearly stepped on a dead mouse. it totally creeped me out.

the cats were so nonchalant about it. my kitties are not kitties anymore... they're both big and grown up now - having taken the life of a small creature. i can't help but think differently of them. i'm not mad, they're cats and killing mice is part of their nature. part of me is glad because it means i don't need to set mouse-traps. thankfully they didn't have the smarts to bring it into our bedroom and drop it at our feet. i'm also thankful that they just ignored it after they killed it instead of slicing it open or eating it. they were quite alert this morning as though there was static excitement in the air. both walked around with a hint of new confidence. sometimes i try watching them to determine which one struck the final blow. i suspect it was honey, but one can't be sure about this.

honey and pekoe are more sheltered then their predecessor fru - i'm not sure why because i treat them the same as him. fru was more urban and edgy. i'd say they're soft and naive - like suburban teenagers.

i have this weird thing about deadness, that i halfway expected the mouse to come back to life at any moment. same with my dead fish when i was a teenager. i didn't like to use the same toilet they were flushed down because of the thought of them swimming back up the pipes and into the porcelain bowl. i suppose this paranoia stems from an extreme lack of experience.

i'm reminded of working at KGH. they'd say "the mouse is expired".

it's odd to overhear my colleagues talk about harper and realize that there's a slight fondness in their voice. anyone who calls him "prime minister harper" with a straight face, and is not being ironic, might as well wave a harper flag.

you sprung me, i'm grateful.

jones

2011-08-08T20:49:00.004-04:00

so we went to this little thing called the wolfe island music festival. it's this funky little festival ranted within the top 10 best music festivals in canada... but you know... no big deal :)

i woke up at 7:30 that morning totally well rested and excited about the day. there was a lot to get ready since we were both vendors and festival goers. we arrived at the ferry just before 11 which allowed us plenty of time to be in a safe position for boarding. shanno, b and i set to work setting up our dinning tent to house the la tienda merch, and very soon had the best looking booth there :)

being vendors allowed for many opportunities to get to know other festival goers. at least two separate people came up to us and asked if it was the same la tienda from dominican republic because they'd spent some time volunteering their themselves. it was great having b and taylor there since they'd both spent time in D.R. themselves. i hadn't really expected brendan to help out at our booth but he did and seemed to really enjoy himself. meanwhile shanno and i sidewalk chalked the road encouraging people to come check out our booth and support the women's art coop.

business was steady, but not nearly as busy as i'd expected. i thought we'd easily sell out, but people were less interested in the booths than i thought. i suppose it stands to reason that they were there for the music, but for me the vendors at part of the festival. i was also surprised that the fact that the merch was made by women escaping poverty didn't seem to interest people. sometimes i forget that being informed and being concerned about poverty isn't a natural part of everyone's day to day thoughts. in a way it made me sad to realize that many folks are in their north american bubble and care little about the hard lives of others.

speaking of people who care about those who are poor... brendan randomly bumped into a franciscan monk. before b met him, i saw a man in gray robes but didn't clue into why he was dressed that way. i honestly didn't think twice about it. brendan is a HUGE admirer of st francis of assisi, and has been wanting to meet an franciscan monk for a long time. this is again something i forget is not considered normal behaviour. most folks don't look-up to dead saints who took vows of poverty. but i love that brendan does and fully support him. because of him i also have a soft spot for francis and think he was on to something worthwhile. anyways, the monk's name is gabriel. he had a super long beard and looked as though he was in his mid to late 30s. he wore a plain gray robe with a thick rope to keep it together. he was in the area visiting his brother and sister-in-law, and was very kind to talk with brendan about his life as a monk. it was very cool and it made us all giggle with delight seeing b with his completely counter-cultural man.

we packed up our booth around 7 and enjoyed the rest of the bands from a blanket on the grass, and also while standing up close to the stage. it was a great night and the air smelled sweet.

there is more to tell but i'll save that til tomorrow :)

when we go down, your loss of courage,
when we go down, you're so ferocious.

a murder of crows

2011-08-05T15:28:00.001-04:00

i suppose it was bound to happen some day. and why not when i'm 31... i have a loose tooth.

i have a baby tooth. my corner tooth. it's always been very sturdy and showed no signs of leaving. but my dental hygienist keeps telling me to be careful with it because baby teeth don't have very deep roots. for some unknown reason, in recent years my adult tooth has "erupted" behind it which means it's come thru the gum. it's not really a big deal. it's not visible and i've gotten used to it.

anyways, my baby tooth has been sore for the last few days. so i decided to give it a slight little jiggle to see if anything happens and i've discovered that it's loose. i have a loose baby tooth.

this isn't good. my dentist keeps saying they can easily fix it with braces. and i keep thinking "i'm not getting braces". not only is it because it's expensive AND i'm 31 (well past the braces phase in life), but back in 2006 i visited kenya. when i was there i saw a woman who had one tooth. just one. i have all my teeth, soon i may have one less. i am grateful for my teeth, and i'm committed to taking care of them. that being said i'm ok with not undergoing the long unpleasant process of braces to fix one tooth. the rest of my teeth are fine and in my mouth. i don't know what the alternative may be. a bridge? an implant? an empty spot? not sure yet. being my corner tooth it'll be pretty obvious that a tooth is missing. i don't want to feel self conscious of my smile. thankfully i have benefits thru work, so some of the expenses will be covered.

choose the brightest future.

saucer

2011-08-04T11:32:00.001-04:00

i taught brendan to sew a few evenings ago. actually, this was his second sewing lesson. even though i taught him once before he'd forgotten everything and we had to start from square one. he has a pair of pants that's seams unravel from time to time. it's a very easy repair job, and is the perfect opportunity for teaching a life skill.

i don't believe in gender roles. maybe it's because i was raised in a home where my dad could cook and my mom could not. maybe it's because i spent my teens in a single-parent home and had to tackle all the husband responsibilities. maybe it's because i was single for the majority of my twenties, living alone having to fill all household tasks myself. maybe it's my strong willed nature and my desire to be fully capable even if i don't need to be. regardless, there has been no gender distinction in the lorimer bedroom project.

from day one, brendan and i have not fit many/major gender stereotypes. with me being just shy of a decade older than him, it's nearly impossible for our relationship to follow predefined paths. when we were first married i worked full time while he maintained our home. he's a great cook, he's much tidier than me, he enjoys vacuuming. i taught him about car repairs, oil changes, and how to drive stick. it's like cross-training. i think this makes us well rounded, and stronger both together and as individuals.

so when it became clear that his pants were in need of some attention it just seemed natural to teach him how to sew instead of sewing for him. there's no reason why a grown adult shouldn't be able to sew their own pants as long as their fingers all work properly. obviously i would not flat-out refuse, and i'm sure there will be occassions when he'll need my help mending clothing, and i'd help him out for sake of time, etc. i'm not opposed to nurturing him or taking care of him, but it usually manifests in different ways. i help him out with details and plans that he forgets or overlooks. i pick him up special treats when i grocery shop that i know he'll enjoy. i pick him up at work instead of him taking the bus. i print him out directions to venues when he's performing out of town and write him little notes in the comments box. but when it comes to sewing i prefer to give him a life skill instead of giving him a repair job. i very much ascribe to the "catch a person to fish and you will feed them for a day. teach a person to fish and you will feed them for a lifetime" philosophy.

so he got out a needle and thread and set to work. it was tricky. his fingers are big and somewhat bulky. when he struggled i encouraged him that it he's able to play strings on a guitar he can manage a sewing needle. sometimes my teaching methods hindered more than helped. sewing is so easy to me that i would show him once and expect him to know how to tie a knot at the end of the thread. i'll try to take it more slowly on our inevitable third sewing lesson. in the end he stitched up that seam and felt rather pleased with himself. i'm proud of him :)

i saw the sky in you, what do you see in me?

gelato

2011-08-03T16:16:00.001-04:00

brendan quit his job today. or at least handed in his two weeks notice. wow. it's hard to believe the end is arriving.

it's funny how we climatize to our environment. back in may or june i was so excited to have taken the big comforter off our bed because it is summer. but for the last few nights we've gone back to our winter duvet. it's just so comfy.

for jo's shower tonight i bought her condoms from the dollar store. this is hilarious to me. i should probably include a cautionary note on them. also at the dollar store i got her a pregnancy test and an ovulation cycle tester. all things i didn't know could be purchased at dollarama.

i'm pretty excited about this coming saturday. it's wolfe island music festival. not only does it have a super stellar line-up, shanno and i are vendors! we're selling la tienda merch. i think it's going to be a real hit and we'll easily sell out. it's the right venue, right price, and right merch. i'm very excited about this. i feel like i'm introducing two great friends who will click instantly - women's art coop... meet music fest goers. music fest goers... meet la tienda. i'm yenta and it's a perfect match!

my mid-year resolution seems to be turning me into someone who is tidy.

i slept through july.

marble

2011-08-02T11:06:00.001-04:00

i first met beckie in 2005. she'd just returned from living in northern quebec. she lived in kingston for one year, then returned to the north - this time baffin island. we haven't lived in the same city for 5 years, and even when we did it was just a short time. and yet, we've maintained our friendship, enjoying visits and trips, festivals and overnights. on saturday i visited her at her cottage. it was perhaps the first time we've spent together just the two of us in a long time, and it was really great to have that time together. she's a very low maintenance friend, we don't really have to do anything. we mostly sat around chatting, went swimming, ate some food. we have our share of differences, but accept those differences pretty easily. i drove home at dusk, driving winding country roads, listening to the same album as i always do when i return from visits to her cottage. it was a great drive, the great end of a great day.

she gave me verbal instructions on how to make iced tea. so sunday was filled with drinking homemade iced tea while i scrubbed the pad with baking soda, listening to a classic futuristic dystopic novel. i scrubbed and scrubbed parts of our kitchen i thought were beyond help. i rearranged the photos on our refrigerator. it was an incredibly relaxing day, and i felt very content.

it turns out the iced tea was not decaffinated as i thought it was. i didn't realize this until 2 am last night while i lied in bed feeling not an ounce of tired. i'll have to start making it with decaf because i really really like it. it's very subtle.

holidays are the only days i have to share with brendan since our schedules are not complimentary and we don't share days off. i wanted to do something special, to make use of the occassion so i surprised him by taking him to the aquatic golf range in collins bay. he was quite delighted by the surprised. i'm not much of a golfer but i find whacking the golf balls very fun. i prefer the golf range to regular golf. b feels i have potential as a golfer since i have a decent swing. we're planning on going more often since we both like going and it's not very expensive. i tend to get blisters on my hands from the club, so i may need to invest in a golfing glove.

now that it's august, life is suddenly full of anticipation. wolfe island music festival this saturday. joanne's bridal shower this wednesday, meg's baby shower on sunday, brendan quitting his job, our week of vacation, our niece being born, b getting his wisdom teeth out. full full full. much to look forward to.

when you walk, you move like moses.

thunder

2011-07-29T14:20:00.001-04:00

the tree of life is probably one of the most confusing films i've ever seen. i can honestly say it was the equivient to watching a foreign film without subtitles. that's as much of the story that i was able to decipher. all that being said, it spurred a lot of discussion between b and myself on the way home.

i've taken to watching a lot of 'how i met your mother' online lately. in fact, i've taken to staying up to watch it after brendan goes to bed. this makes him grumpy. but that does not diswade me.

after a year of feeling uncomfortable in my body, and a year of my clothes not fitting as they are intended to.... i've emerged from that phase feeling more than comfortable - pleased even. what a relief. i'm not quite "there" yet. my BMI calculation still says i'm A LITTLE overweight, but i don't feel overweight though, and i feel that's more important. it's been a neat process. watching my clothes go from tight to loose. in the last 9 months i've learned a lot about food, and intake, and balance. i've learned to avoid foods that have little to no nutritional value, and a sometimes simply consume less. i think i've been changed by this experience, and as a result feel confident that i will be able to avoid weight gain in the future. that's a relief :)

i read a quote in my book the other day that really struck me... "poshlust is not only the obviously trashy, but mainly the falsely important, the falsely beautiful, the falsely clever, the falsely attractive". it made me feel concerned that we live in a world that can no longer decipher the difference between what is false and what is actual. we've accepted the artificial for so long that it's accepted as the norm. i think we're selling ourselves short.

day two of my morning chore routine is going very well. i even went on to do the dishes too! yay for mid-year resolutions!

this rubbermaid's had better days.

victorian

2011-07-28T14:12:00.001-04:00

my mom spent her teen years living on the coast of england. i literary mean ON THE COAST, the sea was right across the street from her home. her parents owned and operated hotel there. i've written about this before actually. one of my earliest entries: harry potter and the sexual innuendos. what a fine blog post title, if i may say so myself :p anyways, she was an unpaid maid in her own home/hotel. and as a result is very very conditioned when it comes to housework.

(allow me put this thought on the back-burner one moment.)

so as i'm trying to do small steps towards tidy living, in order to avoid chaos, i came up with great idea.

(original thought back on front burner).

due to my mom's deeply ingrained housekeeping lifestyle, she cleans the bathroom each morning - or at least the sink. so i paired that with my small tasks idea and have decided to make cleaning one item in the bathroom as part of my morning routine. this way it's just one small thing at a time, and its done and out of the way by 7 am. this morning i scrubbed the tub. i felt very satisfied, and even now as i sit thinking about scrubbing the tub before leaving the house, i feel a great sense of satisfaction. i hope i'm able to keep this up. some days will be easier than others, for example tomorrow i just have to wipe down the mirror. easy!

beckie is back in english-speaking canada for the next couple of weeks. she joined us for dinner last night, then we went out to browse thru english books at indigo. i like her. life just feels best when she's around. as we drove home i felt super content. i like that i feel completely comfortable speaking and being silent with her. i'm very grateful that she and brendan get along well. saturday i'm going to drive up to her cottage for a day of country life. we'll probably read books separately on the dock or go canoeing or play board games. lovely.

she feels uncomfortable in the clothing of her ancestors.