sequin

every year i get dressed up and go to my work christmas party. it's always a good time, and it's nice to have something to dress to the nines for. the only down side is that i always go alone and have hoped that someday i'll have someone special to take with me. this year brendan came. it was very fun, and he did well socializing with all my colleagues – many of which are nearly 40 years older than him. marilyn and knickers couldn't make it so he only had the pleasure of meeting frank (well, he met other people too, but as far as significant workmates, he only got to meet frank). he really liked him though and told me that if he worked at bbd he'd be friends with frank too. i really like frank's wife rita, she's really fun and loud, they're a great couple.

over the last few weeks i've been planning brendan's outfit, and it turned out super good. he even wore some suspenders that are all paisley and awesome. they weren't really visible from under his vest but rita caught a glimpse of him and really liked them. she said the fact that they're not really seen makes them like a garter belt – "very sexy" :p my dress was less fancy than some of the other girls, but i liked it, it was unique because it's red, meanwhile everyone else was dressed in black.

i'd told brendan about my friend atousa who i go walking with at lunch time. she's larger than life and as soon as he met her he could see that i was not exaggerating. she's really funny, and VERY extroverted, she wanted for us to walk around to each table smoozing. it was quite the experience.

our food was good and drinks were free. atousa got me up dancing to "mony mony" by billy idol, which was followed by "rasputin". unfortunately she said that because she's persian she doesn't know how to dance so she was copying all my dance moves – this is unfortunate because i'm not a great dancer :S however, it was fun and she didn't know the difference. b sat out which was totally fine, i wouldn't make anyone dance if they didn't want to. however, "wonderful tonight" by eric clapton (who is a bit of an achilles heal for b) came on, so we did one slow dance (there weren't many, in fact that was the first of the evening). i'd requested a marvin gaye song, but it didn't come on by the time we left after 11.

b did very well, and i think it was interesting for my colleagues to see me with a man. some of the women would watch us with smiles on their faces. it turns out that my colleague francisco's new wife is the mother of b's friend mike from highschool. too funny. they had a nice chat about that because b and mike had just hungout last week! haha.

turned my whole world upside down.

rattail

i got the h1n1 vaccine this evening. my arm is feeling a little sore, but other than that it was ok. i'd heard it was an especially painful needle but it really wasn't. i uncharacteristically felt nervous about getting the shot, but once it was in my arm it was totally fine. i kept reminding myself that i'm very accustomed to needles and it would be fine. i used to get allergy shots, and at the beginning got them as frequently as twice a week. i'm kind of glad that i'm so familiar with them, i feel like it's a good skill to possess – getting needles without batting an eye.

i've concluded that i really like december. not because of christmas, and not because of my birthday. it's truly a good month. even the word december is aesthetically pleasing.

i had a lovely time at book/knitting club tonight, except i didn't actually do any knitting. i'm at a bit of a tricky spot and i really need to concentrate to get past it. however, it was fun getting together and swoping stories. michelle gave us really lovely mittens for christmas :) and the girls all really liked my hair which was nice because i was having some doubts about it today.

sometimes it's funny to read back over old emails from years and years ago. awesome.

fire in the taco bell.

translucent

sometimes by fluke my boyfriend eats dinner with my former best friend. sometimes these occasions involve cake & flowers, other times they debate natalie portman.

have you ever found yourself suddenly free from something you didn't want to do in the first place? does it leave you feeling completely elated?? that's how i'm feeling right now. a little piece of freelance logoing fell out of my lap last evening, and i can't remember when i last felt so relieved. i feel that i've learned a valuable lesson - that i should not agree to do things that will cause me stress and anxiety. it's amazing the difference in my heart and head now that i'm free from what felt like a massive burden. i know in reality it wasn't as big a stress other people deal with, but in this time and place it was more than i could bear, and suddenly everything else feels like soft and fluffy loveliness that i get to wrap myself in.

and to top it all off, my house is getting more and more tidy all the time. which is fantastic! last night i cleared off my chaotic desk!

i like it when other people can see happiness in me. that it's apparent and that it makes them happy to see :)

my face smells like mexico. i used the lotion from our swanky mexican hotel this morning and it's scent is transporting me back to a place and time when i shared a suite with 4 friends. incredibly fun times for sure. it's insane to think that was just this year. a LOT has happened since then, i sure know how to pack it in :D awesome. man, that was a great trip. great trip indeed.

your smile is a sweetener that really makes my day.

tweet

early yesterday evening i had some spare time on my hands so i decided to file a years worth of bills. i had a large stack of papers, some going back as far as summer 2007. i sat on my floor making piles and in the end was very pleased with myself. the reason why this is noteworthy is because i VOLUNTARILY filed papers. i actually had the spare time and the spare head space to spend on a menial task such as filing. i wasn't feeling stressed. i wasn't feeling pressure. i wasn't doing it because i had to. i had the room to breathe, to move around freely. and in that moment of freedom i chose to be productive. wow. i guess what struck me is that when i don't feel suffocated i can accomplish the same tasks as i would when i feel stressed, but it feels very different. i think the reason why i didn't feel stressed is because i had rest. not sleep specifically, but rest. when i'm well-rested life doesn't seem so hard.

when i was a kid i was really easy going. my family would always say "lesley will never get an ulcer". but as i got older something changed, perhaps i wasn't equipped to cope with difficulties. but i've become someone who gets overwhelmed easily. i wonder if that's just a result of unbalance. i want to strive to be more realistic. to plan in time for rest and unwinding. i think it will make me a better person. that being said, it's come to my attention that i am still pretty easy-going. when my feathers get ruffled i get pretty worked up, but by in large, not a lot ruffles my feathers. when i'm around a more uptight person i very easily slip into an easy-going role, which i like.

you get sweeter and sweeter,
in every possible way.

kaleidoscope

it was awful and hilarious at the same time. i'm amazed i'm not traumatized. perhaps i am more easy-going that most people, because i can guarantee that normal people wouldn't find it funny.

i've felt sick all day so brendan brought me some gingerale. it's probably helped, but it's hard to say. the only downside is that it has caffeine in it, so i'm a little bit wired. however, i'm going to get into bed anyways, even if i end up lying there awake for a bit. or..... i'll get into my pjs and watch late night tv til i fall asleep on the couch. that's a good option too. or the ever popular... curl up into a ball while listening to music activity. that's a favourite of mine as well.

tomorrow is the first of december, which means my birthday is upon me. i have mixed feelings about this. thankfully the only thing that actually changes is the number. i do have anxiety surrounding birthdays, but on the bright side i'm really no older on my birthday than i am the day before. the funny thing is that once the number clicks over to a new one i'm gleeful and never look back. so bearing that in mind, i plow forward planning my birthday celebration, and know that it'll be special and enjoyable :)

it starts to rain outside
in our phone booth we hide
it doesn't let up until 5
squished together we don't mind.

bathtub

my e-toothbrush is busted :( it was a hand-me-down from my dad two years ago after i had 8 cavities. it seems the motor isn't working anymore. i hate it. for a while i was brushing with it turned on and it would eventually start spinning, but that doesn't seem to be working anymore. i'm gonna see if i can buy a new one on ebay or something. i don't want a battery charged one, so i'll just look online.

i think you're my new hero. i'm gonna email you in the morning to tell you just how wonderful you are, i actually don't know if i can thank you enough. indeed an answer to my unsaid prayers.

i'm trying to be more intentional about taking sunday as a day of rest. hence the reason why i slaved away last night on those logos until the wee hours. it meant i had all day to just rest. so brendan and i went down to the goat for lunch, we got a seat right by the window, then came home and watched a movie. it was nice.

we were talking today about how we both have names that are regularly mispronounced. i get called leZley a lot, and he gets brAndOn :S it's been hard enough living my own life with a mispronounable name, now i have a partner who's name gets mispronounced all the time too. i think i'll need to get up the courage to start correcting people on his behalf, and he can start correcting people on my behalf. it's a little easier when i'm not being anal for my own sake. apparently his mom used to be bothered when he was a kid and he wouldn't correct people. it's not really in his nature, nor is it in mine. but considering it bothers both of us, we should speak up.

we've got these chains that hang around our necks,
people want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath.

rooftops

for the last 5 years or so i have had a "no logo" policy. basically, i've turned down all requests for logos because they cause me too much anxiety and stress. unfortunately i recanted on that policy during the last month and i'm hugely regretting that decision. i HATE logos, and honestly, life is too short, and my spare time too limited to spend it belly-aching over these stupid logos. i wish i had a time machine so i could go back and decline the request.

this afternoon i took a break from my frustrating design work and went down to the goat with shannon. on our way we stopped at camera kingston so she could get some passport photos. the guy who served us was very peculiar, it seems he may have been showing off for us – either than or he was stoned. when i told shanno i'd join her in the back where the photo is taken he followed behind us muttering to himself "it's a party and everyone is invited. except for me, i never get invited to parties...". this left us inwardly giggly and that made it extra hard for her to keep a straight face for her photo. in the end i had to leave the room.

we were at the goat for over 2 hours. we arrived 1 minute late for lunch, so once again i had to do without the flying burrito that i've been craving for over a month now. shannon brought her computer so we could scope out travel packages to cuba, but instead we looked thru her old photos of her and andrew. they were hilarious and i wanted to see them all. it's amazing to think they've been together for 5 years. amazing :D

i need to learn to hold my tongue and not say harsh things. i'm always joking but my delivery is so dead-pan that people don't realize i'm kidding. that bothers me, and it has for a while. i need to change. sometimes being sincere makes me feel vulnerable, and that's alarming. it's disconcerting to discover the many layers of protection i have up, it's like i'm surrounded by an emotional berlin wall. i suppose that can take years to deconstruct.

am i the only one who gets to make you laugh,
laugh until you cry?

minivans

this evening i went to the potter's guild christmas sale with melissa. she wanted to pick up a nice big mug, and i wanted to join her. while we were there we saw many lovely pieces of pottery, but what caught my eye was a milk jug. it was very lovely and i thought it would look fantastic in my refrigerator, so i bought it. it's kind of heavy because it's made of clay, but that's only an issue because i'm used to a crappy plastic jug from the dollar store. what i found interesting about it is that it's done by this woman named patty petkovich, which apparently means she's my favourite kingston potter because i've subconsciously purchased a number of her pieces before (tea bag, tea cup). i'm quite pleased with my purchase. i feel that pouring milk has never been so good.

it was great to see lissa. we haven't had the chance to connect much recently. busy lives and all, but it was really great and kind of grounding. we went to sipps afterwards, i like that place – that coffee bar, it makes me feel so fancy.

i needed to come and be near you.

slugs

when i was 11 years old i began youth group at my church. it was a 7 year venture that was a significant experience for me. when i entered youth group, two new youth leaders joined as well, their names were mim and ron. they had two young girls, who i would eventually babysit with frequency and are in fact my favourite girls out of all the kids i babysat. those two sisters paralleled joy and i quite a lot, the oldest was like joy, the youngest was like me. 14 years went by, and as the youngest of the two girls started at a new school she met an egotistical guitarist, who she eventually became close friends with. this said guitarist became a regular fixture in mim and ron's home until their daughter moved to ottawa and he moved into the house famous.

mim and ron recently learned of brendan and my new relationship thru the grapevine (aka my big-mouth sister) and they immediately wanted to have us over for dinner to grill us with questions. b and i were a little apprehensive as we drove there in the rain, but he kept telling me it was going to be one of those memorable experiences that we'll look back on and say "remember that time we had dinner with mim+ron??" dinner was lovely and the questions were manageable, although at times challenging. they like to interview young couples, i'm not certain as to why, but it's their thing. mim kept commenting about how much b's changed since those days. he's definitely not egotistical anymore, but i kind of like that he used to be :p

for a few brief minutes today i thought i forgot my lunch at home - that was very frustrating. i became agitated with myself and started going thru the inconvenience in my head as i walked to my car hoping to find my lunch box on the passenger seat. i was much relieved to find it, i didn't like the direction things were going.

the internet was down at work both yesterday and today. i was surprised at their tardy response, but it turned out it was an isolated incident and only myself a few others were affected. all is resolved now.

an eyeball. a table. a tune. a tear. and a tie. they are our secrets to have and to hold.

now that i smile,
now that i'm laughing even deeper inside.
now that i see,
now that i finally found the one thing i denied.
it's now i know, do i stay or do i go?
and it is finally i decide,
that i'm leaving in the fairest of the seasons.