watermelon

sometime i wonder if there are enough words. i wonder if i'll run out.

it occurred to me, that i've been living in the maxi pad for over 2 years. this is the longest i've lived anywhere in ten years :)

i have a question for you. a somewhat touchy subject that people don't often talk about, i guess it never really comes up. guy friends. i don't have any (except for david), and upon further contemplation i don't want any either, at least not any who are occupied. in reality i guess i do have guy friends, but they're guys i'm friends with because they're married to my friends. jase and paul are two examples of this. they're great guys with whom i've enjoy great conversation, i like them both a lot. this being said, i've never hung-out with them without rach or sarah, nor do i want to. if they called me up and were all like "hey les, wanna go to the goat with me for a cup of tea" i'd be weirded out and would come up with some excuse not to. for some reason it feels inappropriate to spend time alone with married man and i can't pin down a reason why. i know these men and trust them immensely, i know nothing questionable would happen as a result of a visit to the goat. i also trust myself, and yet i wouldn't want to hang-out with them in that fashion. can someone explain to me why that is? for some reason i feel things would be different if i was in relationship, i almost hope that is true because i really miss having guy friends. and i hope some day to have some again. it's really confusing and i've been racking my brain all day to come up with an explanation. i know it's possible to be platonic friends with a guy; frank and i are good friends, we've had many long talks and we've shared significant stories from our lives. but i suppose being friends at work is different to spending free time together. it's not a matter of me feeling uncomfortable because of social taboos, or being sensitive to wives or partners, i simply don't want to be close friends with attached men. i think it's different when you've been friends for a long time beforehand, but even then things change. what do you think?

often when i think i'm ready, i realize later that i wasn't ready at all.

i think she's fighting an internal struggle and it's coming out as a prudish exterior. i want to say to her "it's ok! those were just thoughts, thoughts you didn't entertain. you don't have to hide, no one's going to like you any less because of it".

i'm glad my subconscious is all my own. it's mine, i possess it, it doesn't possess me.

just one glimpse can change your life.

asylum

i've planted my sophomore garden. it's so fun and exciting! i'm so fortunate that i have the enclosed back porch, because i was able to do my gardening back there this morning since the weather outside was on the chilly side. there's dirt everywhere, and i haven't bothered to clean it up yet, it's nice having that luxury. i'm very pleased with how my garden looks. i've planted several pots of mixed flowers, some garden boxes of herbs (chives, cliantro, basil, dill, rosemary, mint, and parsley), and one big pot with a cherry-tomato plant. i just need to label them all with popsicle sticks and i'm done. yay! it looks great! although, some of the pots look a little bare, but i keep reminding myself that the plants will grow and fill the space up nicely.

i had such a great victoria day. melinda was over last night and we watched a couple movies on my new dvd player. she left at about 2 am, then i slept until about 10:30 when i got up to plant my garden. i putsied most of the day listening to the cbc. i read for a while, and made myself a casserole late afternoon.

i also finished my "around the world" painting series. completed the last one today, and i now have all 4 up in the kitchen, they look great too. i'm very pleased. this boosts my confidence with painting and i'm excited about doing more. i have a large canvas in my bathroom that's just been waiting to be worked on, i've got to hash out that idea a little more, but i think it's going to be a goldfish of some kind.

this evening i did some knitting and watch van helsing on the space network. it was my very last choice of viewing, but nothing else was on. it was ok, it got me thinking about this massive portion of movies i've been missing out on (guy movies) and i think i should watch some from time to time to be more well-rounded. i'm excited about having a dvd player, it means i can have friends over for movies and such.

ah, life is grand. i've been told before that i live a very charmed life. on days like this it definitely feels that way.

ring my bell.

arbitrary

i can't get over how much my cats like being outside on my balcony. even when it's raining they are pawing to get out. yesterday i was outside sanding my kitchen table in a hailstorm. the top needs to be re-finished. i have to admit, i felt pretty proud of myself. i'm a tough broad who not only uses power-tools, i own them too! those are my work-overalls, i wear them when i'm working on stuff. tomorrow, for example, i'll wear them while i plant my garden! (nice segue huh?) i'm very excited about my garden. i was trying to remember what inspired me to get into gardening, and i can't recall. but i suppose it's one of those things that i love it so much that it seems completely normal and an obvious thing to do.

i played Wii at the butler's place last night for the first time. it was pretty fun! paul and i played tennis, baseball, bowling, and i think something else but i can't remember. it would be fun to take up real tennis as a fun hobby. i need a tennis partner though. hm. anyone want to hit the ball around with me a little? usually i'm more interested in how many times i can get it over the net consecutively than an actual score. this should be noted before anyone signs up to play with me.

i wonder what it would be like to write a memoir. what does it take to make a good story, is it exciting content or interesting writing style. i got thinking about her, and how sad her life has been, and yet she doesn't seem despondent. i marvel at how she's overcome, and it reminds me of how good i've had it. i'm guilty of overlooking great blessings in my own life, not noticing their wonder, i've lost my sense of awe in many ways.

i'm beginning to wonder if i should purge my life a little. i don't need a lot of stuff to survive. at least i shouldn't. whenever i'm away (like i was in montreal or iqaluit), without any access to a computer my life feels so much less cluttered and it seems like i have more time. i don't know if that necessarily means i need to get rid of everything i have, it just means i need to be a better steward with it, and not buy more stuff if i don't need to. i bought some earrings yesterday that i could've done without, and i kind of wish i didn't buy them. hmph, oh well, may this be a lesson to me. may it be the last.

these hands like strangers in the wind,
these eyes float in the breeze.

gung-ho

i've concluded that i'm quite a literal person. if something is supposed to start at a certain time, i expect it to. before my first visit to next, someone told me that it never starts on time. i take that literary, and am, therefore, never on time. man, i can't think of any examples other than time related ones, but i'm sure i'm quite literal. more than many at least.

do you ever wonder about yourself in 10 years? lately i've been wondering what hobbies i'll be into, or new things i'll take a liking to. i wonder if i'll take up jogging, or find the courage to help homeless people. it's all so very interesting. this game of life.

i live in fear of becoming extremely self-centred. i've heard many times that excessive time alone makes a person selfish. i've been trying to combat that concept, at times i fail miserably, other times i put others first then later reward myself with something just for me. i find it hard to get it right. in so many ways, there's no one else looking out for me. i have to watch my own back, and it's a matter of survival. as morbid as it seems, at the end of the day, i think everybody dies by himself, so we've all just got to look out for ourselves. i hate that because it feels like that completely contradicts my faith. but even so, i think we're all individuals living in community. we can share in other peoples joys and woes, but ultimately they're all our own. i dunno, it's kind of messed-up in my head, i'm still just trying to figure it all out. i'm just scared i'm going to let people down until i've got my crap together. i'm sorry if i do. i'm just one girl, trying her best to juggle it all.

do you ever wish you could read someone else's diary? hm, i guess that's kind of what you're doing when you read pspd. hm. well anyways, i'm reading blue like jazz (i think i mentioned that before but i can't remember). i really like how he just talks about his life. random things, personal things, real things. sometimes when i'm reading it (and giggling about something he wrote) i think i could read books like this all the time! like someone else's diary!

do you ever think being a guy would be so much easier?

was it more than attraction and a physical lust?

conundrum

we had the hatch folding party tonight. i really like hanging out with that crew of people. they're good people. they're fun. this issue looks awesome because it got professionally printed. snazzy.

when i was in montreal i seriously considered getting a caricature done. i've never got one done before and i thought it would be fun. i was on the verge, and then i realized that it would get seriously damaged on the trip home, so there was no point. i had no place to put it. this got me wondering tho... what feature would a caricaturist choose to emphasize? after MUCH thought (i'm seriously mean several days), i concluded my cheek bones and maybe my chin. when i was a pre-teen i was obsessed with brian mulroney, because we both had big chins. to this day, at the mention of mr. mulroney, my mom'll say "oh les... it's your friend!" i even made a hand-puppet of him.

i had my sister over last night. it was great. i'd never had her over before as a friend. i'm really glad i did. i was struck by how alike we are, i'm usually too distracted by our differences to notice. it shouldn't surprise me really, we're cut from the same cloth. she's left and i'm right. she brought mister liam with her. i got to hold him for a long time while he slept. at one point i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as i held him, i'm always surprised by how young and small i look when holding a baby. i liked it when he'd breath on my neck while he lay on my chest. he's very sweet.

you could be handing love to me,
but i was far away.

bondage

i just want to say that bad things happen to good people.

and that i'm very sorry.

yes, no, maybe is all i need to hear from you.

tetris

"Do you ever feel like all that you offer people and all that they see and taste of you, all that they think you are is really only a pretty disguise for what lies hidden underneath? That everyone thinks you are so much better than you really are? I do."

rachel erb, may 2008

i was thinking about something very similar to this earlier today. then i read rachel's entry and was pleasantly surprised and kind of relieved to discover someone else thinks the same way.

i once knew a man who could lite a match with one hand. i thought he was so cool. he oozed cool. i wonder about the people i think are cool, i'm sure they'd most likely disagree with me. i wonder who'd be more right – me or them. i wonder if perhaps who we are is equally defined by the perceptions of those around us, instead of by ourselves alone. sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees.

i think there's a difference between being "hot" and being "sexy". if i had it my way, i'd much prefer to be considered sexy. same goes for my taste in men. being sexy is like being cool, it's generally concealed from the person in question.

i was told today that up to 100 people die annually from incidents involving their crocks getting caught in escalators.

this morning i got in my car to discover i'd left my lights on all night and my battery was dead. it sucked. thankfully my good friend melissa lent me her car to get to and from work. i'd never boosted a car battery by myself before. it was kind of cumbersome. i had to open my car hood, then her car hood, then i had to turn on her engine, then my engine, then i had to unhook everything and put down each hood. kind of cumbersome, but i managed. i drove my batmobile around for a while to charge up the battery before i drove melissa's car back to her place. i'm hoping it was enough to get me started tomorrow. it was kind of nice strolling down to bagot street in the morning – aside from the crappy circumstances.

make me a believer,
the seas will part somehow.