asphalt

i don't believe we live in a black+white world. it makes me sad when people paint it that way. there are no easy answers, if there were we'd be living in those easy solutions. but the earth is a mixed up and complicated place, full of many shades of gray and grace. how can you see it so bleakly? how can you look at one situation or another and believe it to be completely 1-dimensional? i don't know what to say, because i'm not going to argue. there's no way of making other people see what they can't.

the sun set while i was in the grocery store tonight. it feels weird. it's like i don't even remember the darkness from previous years. it makes early evening feel like bedtime. oh well, it will start to get lighter again in a little over a month.

i really do like variety. even if my need for change is not daily, i do need subtle variety from the regular. it's good, it keeps things clicking and spicy.

ferrence and i were reading about lettuce on wikipedia today. we discovered that eating lettuce in iraq is considered a taboo. the world is a funny place. i'm quite grateful for the humour of it all.

walking through a paper town
counting all the reasons to burn the others down.

kleenex

sometimes girls eat coleslaw late at night with a side of grated cheese instead of doing their dishes.

sometimes in order to save my cat from certain death i feed her soft food, then it stinks up my kitchen.

bren and i have been talking recently about how life has a way of bring along just what you need/want if you wait long enough. she used the example of needing a new backpack for her kid, and specifically wanted a MEC bag because they're good quality, but she kept putting it off, and before she got the chance to go to their website to order one, she found one at a garage sale for something like 2 bux. i know that's nothing grand or meaningful, it's just a backpack, but it's a good reminder that sometimes it's more a question of when as opposed to a question of if. this has led to big questions in my mind. and the one i keep going back to is "what do we do in the meantime?". i know in the past i've belly ached and whined about stuff, and at other times i've pulled up my bootstraps and made the most of the "meantime". the meantime can be scary, because there's no certainty that things will for sure work out. i actually think that the "meantime" is worst part, because waiting doesn't come naturally to me without a distraction. from now on i kind of want to ask you all to ask me next time i'm worried or anxious "what if it all works out?", if nothing else it will make me think.

YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! YAY! HURRAY! shanno and i are going to cuba! i would like to thank the house famous... God the creator of cuba... my beautifully bearded boyfriend... shanno's mama + papa... and most of all shanno, for making this trip possible :D hurray! par•tay!

holiday...
celebrate...
if we took a holiday,
took some time to celebrate,
just one day out of life,
it would be, it would be so nice.

diphthong

i think the motor in my electric toothbrush is dying :S it feels weird brushing my teeth with stationary bristles.

i've come to the realization that the more time i spend with brendan the more i'll talk about him on pspd. that bothers me a little, because i imagine people saying "oh my goodness, i wish she'd shut up about him already" but the reality is that as i talk about my life, i talk about the people i spend my life with. so i hope you'll be gracious and instead of finding it annoying, and you'll just recognize it as a natural thing to do.

that being said...

brendan and i played squash this afternoon at the YMCA. it was his first time, i've played repeatedly but i've never been very good. however, we played really well today. we didn't keep score but we volleyed back and forth for ages many times. i'm proud of us! it was very fun. i'm sure if we keep practicing we'll eventually play a real game.

on our way home we dropped by bren(DA)'s place and borrowed her hair clippers so we could cut brendan's hair. it was really fun. i've never used clippers before. we used my rain poncho from the inca trail as a hairdressing muumuu and put a towel around his neck like at a real barber shop. his hair looks really good too, i like it that short. when i took off the guard to do his neck i didn't know how to do that part properly and made a bit of a mistake behind his ear. he looked at me a little panicked and asked if i had a mirror so he could see what i was doing. he was very good about it, and i promised to never do it again. he showed me how to do it properly, then i started on the other side of his head. unfortunately, i clipped a little bit too close again, he stifled his agitation, but got over it quickly. phew! i appreciated his understanding. i'm pretty sure he'll permit me to do it again, wait... let me ask him... the answer is yes. it was fun :D

i cut his hair myself one night,
a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light,
and he told me that i'd done alright,
and kissed me 'til the mornin' light.

godfather

it was one year ago today that the black star of secret significance found its resting place on the inner wrist of my left hand.

to commemorate the occasion, shanno and i went to the casino in gan. we each had 10 dollars and after having a free beverage from the drink stand we set off to find a machine with a lever to pull.

before leaving, shanno's housemate brendan, gave us a lucky disc and letter of good fortune for us to keep on our bodies. he pretty much promised us a new million-dollar lifestyle. it quickly became apparent that the disc was a ploy, instead of good luck it robbed us of success. even after we rubbed it on one of the slot machines and i kissed it, we still lost :S the most i won was $1.50, it was exciting while it lasted, i flapped my hands around with delight. last time i left with an extra 30 bux in my pocket, so i'm certain that disc was a ruse. we hate that cd. we had pretty crappy luck, one machine most definitely mugged me.

the casino is a fascinating place to be. it's also really sad. the way people mindlessly sit there hitting the same button over and over. the way they fork over hundreds of dollars for one round of roulette. the way the sharps container in the bathroom was half-full in plain sight. the casino is full of really mixed up people. one of the things that amazes me is that they look pretty normal, most of them baby-boomers, and not unsimilar to my parents. but my parents don't gamble. i'm so puzzled by these people, i would love to research them, to interview them, to get some kind of understanding of their story and why they do what they do. it's not life-giving, it's life-sucking.

the security guard didn't believe me that my id was actually mine. when i handed it to him he said "you've got to be kidding me", i offered to take off my glasses, he accepted, then after further scrutinizing my face he permitted my entry.

i've really enjoyed my tattoo. it's crazy to think it's been a year. it's been fun. when i think back i'm so happy that shannon came with me when i got it.

i thought i would know what to do when the time came,
i was wrong, i didn't know anything at all.

bloody nose

i'm SO EXCITED!!!! joy's having another baby girl!!! i'm partly thrilled about this because that was my guess. for years i thought my sister was going to have one girl and 3 boys. so far i'd been right with my guesses, my track-record was perfect, and i was quite certain she'd have that 3rd boy when the time came. but from the moment i heard she was having a baby i knew it was a girl. it's really fun having magical powers :D AND having another little girl in the family will be awesome. hurray! i've been eagerly anticipating this news all week.

so it turns out that b and i originate in the same small town in ireland on the paternal side of our families. when i looked up ballymena on wikipedia today i discovered it has 28,700 residents. it's a really small town. but what's extra crazy is that in the late 1800s when my ancestors came to canada the population of that small town was 8,000 people. our families were probably neighbours, frig, we're probably related! hahaha. we've lived parallel lives, so much so that he wasn't even surprised to hear our heritage was the same too.

it's hilarious the number of people who've commented on the bird crap on my car.

i look at the floor and i see it need sweeping.

peanuts

i nearly ran him over with my car yesterday. an old friend. i thought it was ironic and wondered afterwards if he recognized me, i hoped he hadn't, but if he did it would explain why he looked away so quickly. i was kind of tempted to hit the gas, just for old times sake.

i did a lot more talking than i had anticipated. my ability to carry a conversation has saved me on multiple occasions. i really don't know how i would manage without it. afterwards i giggled in a red bathroom, looking myself in the mirror like i was sharing an inside joke with myself. at times i am grateful that i'm my own constant companion, and that my reflection is like an old friend who i can look in the eye knowingly. it was a kodak moment.

you're sweet company.

tree

i'm quitting yoga.

yogi master dennis is no longer the instructor and i don't like the new person. actually, i quite like her as an individual, but i don't like the style of yoga she teaches. i was bored out of my head, for the second time with her, and found myself watching the clock the whole time ("it's only 8:00! we still have 45 minutes of this! argh!"). i really wanted to bolt, i have too many other things i enjoy doing to endure a class that i'm NOT enjoying. but i bit my lip and went thru the motions, while firmly deciding never to go back. well... maybe in january, apparently she's just an interim instructor until the new year. so instead i'll keep doing pilates and treadmill on mondays, and probably pick up some treadmill on wednesdays right after work.

someone has moved into the cubicle closest to me. that's where angela our summer student used to sit, she was quiet and listened to her ipod all day. but this new neighbour joins in my conversations with my colleagues from where she's sitting, which just confirms to me that she listens in on ALL my chats. that bothers me a lot. my mom called me at the end of the work day, and we were having a private convo, and the whole time i was thinking about how the lady was probably listening. it was really irritating. unfortunately, my mom's phone was crappy and quite frequently she'd say "hello? hello? i can't hear you", so i'd have to shield the mouthpiece as i spoke into it to muffle my voice. hm. oh well, i do like her, she's a nice lady. i guess i'll get used to it.

i was feeling concerned about the week ahead. it was going to be busy and i thought i'd loose steam and not be able to accomplish everything. but thankfully i got things juggled fairly well and i have a free evening to be at home and work on the probono design work i have on the go. i'm determined to attain and maintain balance in my life. it just seems like i'll need to be conscious of it, it won't naturally happen.

we like you because you're cute and young.